How much?

My dearest TAG, my love,

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. I love thee to the breadth, depth, and height my soul can attain. I love you more than you may ever know, but I hope that you feel my love. I hope you feel it all around you every day, and know that I am loving you and only you, and that I am being good for you. I want you to be in my life so bad.

I recalculated the mortgage on that one house we talked about. It is actually going to be much cheaper than I had anticipated or calculated before. About 200 dollars cheaper. How amazing would that be? I hope that I can make it happen for us. That would be amazing.

I miss you more than I can even say, more than you may ever know. You are the most amazing woman in the world to me. I hope you know and feel that every day.

I was so wore out today, but still I waited for your call. I hoped you would call, tell me to come rescue you, so that I could drop everything and run to be with you. I would do that in a heartbeat, I hope you know that.

I love everything about you. I love the fact that you can just throw on a pair of pj pants, pull your hair back, put on a sweatshirt, and look amazing. I love the fact that you can get dressed up in that awesome ball gown I bought for you and look stunning. I love the fact that I can look at you and fall in love all over again. You are amazing.

I love you, always and forever,
B

A hurting heart

My dearest TAG, my love,

My heart hurts something fierce tonight. I don't really know why. All I know is that I can't bear the thought of being apart from you. I need you, I want you, and I love you. I don't know why it took what it did for me to realize that I love you, and don't know why it took what it did for me to realize that you love me. All I know is that I'm glad that it finally happened, even as I am sad that circumstances are what they are now.

I know you are going to the fireman's ball this weekend. I am so jealous. I wish I could be the man that gets to have you on his arm, that gets to dance the night away with you. I'm so sorry for all that I have done. Please forgive me.

I will do whatever it takes to show you that I can be the man you deserve, that I can love you the way you deserve to be loved, and that can be there for you through thick and thin. I want you to know I am always here for you, and there is nothing that will keep me away from you. I will change the rules of time and space if I have to, so that I can run as fast as I can to get to you.

I am so so sorry for all that I have done. Words cannot even come close to expressing the remorse that is in my heart, the pain that I feel when I think that I have treated the one I love more than life itself as poorly as I have treated you. I only hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me.

I'm working on a song right now. It's called "One More One Last Chance". I hope one day you get to hear it.

I love you, always and forever,
B

A real man

My dearest TAG, my love,

I am now realizing just what a real man is. A real man loves with all his heart, might, mind, and strength. A real man loves unconditionally, and isn't afraid to show that to anyone, especially to the one he loves the most. A real man is kind, generous, loving, giving, and benevolent to those around him. A real man holds his lady love in his arms, regardless of the circumstances around him. A real man does not cheat or step out on his love at any time, for any reason.

A real man gives of himself for the benefit of those around him, and gives the most of himself to the one he loves the most. A real man sacrifices all that he can for the sake of his love, and always recognizes that the love he has for that one, that one super special lady, that love is what carries him, sustains him, keeps him going.

I am a real man. I have done things that I am not proud of. I have hurt you, I have crushed you, and I have done appalling things that I am so ashamed of. But I know that I love you, that our love is strong enough to change me, and that as long as I hold on tight to that love, nothing can keep me from attaining those levels that you and I both know I am capable of. I am excited for the future.

I am a real man, and you are a real woman. Together we are dynamite. Together we can do anything. Together the world is ours.

I love you forever. I will always be here for you. I will never leave or forsake you. You can count on me forever, baby. I will no longer let you down, hurt you, or cause you pain or anguish of soul. I will be the man that you need, want, and expect. I am your love, you are mine, and we will be together soon.

Thank you for your love. Thank you for helping me realize the real man that I am and will be. I know that our family is going to be an amazing accomplishment and that we will beat all the odds because of the love that we share. I love you so much.

I love you always and forever, my love, my life, my future wife.
B

Every day

My dearest TAG, my love,

I know you are hurting still, and confused, and unsure of what is going on with us, with you, with life. I know that I have thrown you for a loop. I know you were taking steps to cut me out completely and that would have been easier for all involved, most likely. Now I've come back, screwed everything up majorly, and you don't know what to do. I know you feel torn. I'm sorry for that. I would give up, let you just live life, but I know I can't do that. I'm so certain that you are supposed to be my future, and that you are supposed to be my wife, that I just can't give up. Sorry. I will fight to the very last breath to make you mine.

I love you so very much. I want you to know that. Through everything I do, after all that I am, our love is the thing that keeps me going, that makes sense, that teaches me what life is all about. I know that our love will survive the test of time, and that we can overcome anything and everything that life may throw at us. We will be amazing together.

You're the most amazing woman in the world. I am so in love with you. I love everything about you, your body, your mind, your spirit, your brain, your personality, the way you look at me, the way you hold me in your arms, the kindness you show our children, the amazing things you do every day for others. I love your spunk and your fire, I love the quiet things you do behind the scenes to make life easier for those around you.

I will always be here for you. I will never leave your side, there will never be another for me. I will love you with all my heart for all my life.

I love you forever and ever and always,
B

Holy Ouch!

My dearest TAG, my love,

I think I missed a day. It happens, I guess. Sometimes it hurts just as bad to write as it does to not write. I know, I'm lame. But this is who I am now. I acknowledge all my feelings, regardless of how lame they may sound or if they make me seem like less of a man.

So I went through my camera today for the first time in forever. Wow. Holy Ouch. There were pictures on there from Halloween and Christmas. You looked so beautiful on Christmas Eve as you were opening your presents. Why oh why did I ever let you go, or not let you know just how much you mean to me? Why was I so blind as to not see that you love me just like I love you. Why did I not acknowledge that?

I love you oh so much, my TAG. I didn't know true love existed until there was you. I didn't realize I deserved to be loved and appreciated until there was you. I didn't know what it meant to truly love somebody else until there was you. You saved my soul, you rescued me from pain and torment. I do so love you, and I hope you feel and see that. Please come home to me. I know we can make it work. I know that we can together make a difference. We are family. You have shown me what it means to be a family. I know we are great for each other.

I'm going to be here this whole week, and I'm afraid it might be torturous for me. I don't know what I'm going to do with myself. I love you so much, I wish I could see you all day every day. You are an amazing woman, and I will love you always, from the bottom of my heart and with all that I am, I love you. I know I don't have much money, but every little bit is yours to have. I know I don't have a nice house or nice cars or the ability to buy nice things for you or the means or the ways to take care of you the way you deserve to be taken care of. But I can promise that I will work as hard as I can to give you the world, and that I can give you something that money could never buy. True, unadulterated, pure love. I love you so very much. You're amazing.

I will love you forever, my love, my life, my all. you're the best thing that has ever been in my life, and you'll be the best thing I will ever have. Thank you for sharing the part of life with me that you did. I will treasure it always. And if you find it in your heart to come back, please do. The door will be open to you at every time. Any time. I am yours, yours forever.

I love you always and forever,
B

I will take it all

My dearest TAG, my love,

I know that you are hurting, confused, and stressed. I'm so sorry for all of that. I will take it all on me, I can handle it. I can take all the stress, the worry, the heartache, the confusion, and I will gladly bear it for you. If only I could help you, help you more than I do now. If only I could take you away from all of this. I so wish that I were a Rocketeer, so that I cold fly us away to that world, above all this. I am so sorry that I'm not in a better place to help than I am. I feel almost useless, worthless, and like there's nothing I can do. I hate that feeling. I hate it so much. I wish that I could be more of the man you deserve.

I want to let you know that you mean the world to me. I would do almost anything for you. I think about the future often, how happy we could be. I so hope that happens. I know you will never regret it if you choose me. I know you would feel like the happiest woman in the world, like the most blessed woman in the world, and I would definitely be the luckiest guy in the world. I already feel like one of the luckiest, because I got to share that life with you for a short while. I hope that I get to share even more. I love you so very much.

Let me take the pain away, ease the stress. Come back to me. Together we can face anything. Anything at all. Together we can take on the world. I will do anything it takes. And I will help you be happier than you have ever been in your life.

I love you always and forever,
Love,
B

Deafening Silence

My dearest TAG, my love,

I just experienced another pretty sleepless night. Those happen alot. Mainly because I start thinking about you, and I just can't quit. I have dreams, and you're in them. You're the first thing on my mind when I wake up, you're the last thing on my mind when I go to sleep, and you're on my mind every second of every minute of every hour in between. I think about you when I'm supposed to be concentrating on class. It's a good thing that I can multi-task!

I miss you so much. It's so much more than just a regular missing someone. I miss the way you look into my eyes, I miss the hugs, the quiet moments when we were just there for each other, and I miss holding you, knowing at that moment I wouldn't want to be anywhere else. Even though I didn't give you 100% of me 100% of the time, you got more of me than anyone else ever has.

I love you so much. I feel as if a part of me is missing. I want us to have a future. I want to be able to kiss you good night when we go to sleep, then kiss you good morning when we wake up. I want to be able to call you, just because, and you call me, just because. I want to be able to know that I can come home to you or you can come home to me. I'm so sorry I was foolish and cavalier with our love.

I promise you this, my TAG. I will love you like you've never been loved before. You will never regret one more day of your life. I will take away the hurt and the confusion and replace it with love, devotion, clarity, and peace. I will heal your heart, and you can heal mine.

Together, we are an amazing duo, an amazing couple. You are my lady, I love only you. Any other woman pales in comparison to you. You are so beautiful, and so amazing, and you have so many good qualities. I want you to know just how special you are, and I will spend the rest of my life figuring out how to do that, and helping you feel that way.

I love you forever, my TAG. I always will be here for you. Until I take my last breath and shuffle off this mortal coil, I will love you and only you.

I love you always and forever,
B

Sad and alone

My dearest TAG, my love,

I don't know why, but tonight I feel more sad and alone than I have in a few weeks. I miss you so very very much. I wish I could come home and hold you. Just hold you all night. That's all I want. Is to be able to hold you in my arms and know you're there with me. I love you so much and feel like such a fool for letting you go. I don't know what was wrong with me, except a lot. I love you and will do anything I can to get you back, back in my arms where you belong. I want to marry you and have you always be there. I want to go to bed with you every night knowing that I am cuddling with the one true love of my life. That is you, my TAG. The only woman I have ever truly loved, the only one I will ever love. I will never love another, and can't wait for us to start our life together again. I know our love is strong enough to do it. I will never stay up by myself when I know you are in the bed alone. I will come hold you in my strong arms and never let you go. I love you forever.

Love always,
B

Oops, I missed a day, almost

My dearest TAG, my love,

Words cannot express what you mean to me. Whenever I think of you, I get a big goofy grin on my face, and I can't help but be happy. I am so thankful that I got to share a part of my life with you, and I hope to be able to share the rest of my life with you.

Sunday was a glorious day. You probably know why by now. I was so happy to be able to have that memory. I am so grateful to be able to do things for people, things that make them happy and smile. It is wonderful to be a part of that.

The drive back down was uneventful. I made it in one piece at least! Thought you might be glad to hear that. I am always glad to experience it. I hope that you had a good day, a wonderful afternoon, a pleasant evening. I wish that we could spend every minute of every day together, that we could share all these awesome memories. I will keep them all in my heart, my love, and share them with you when I can. Know that you are in my heart always, so you are in all my memories. That is important to me.

Today I went to class, and it kicked my butt. Then I went truck shopping. I was successful! I was able to get a very good truck for a very good price, and it's big enough to fit our family. We'll have to be a little cozy, but for camping and other things it'll be perfect. I can't wait to share it with you, to let you drive it, to see your face as you drive that bad boy. It needs some work, but it's nothing I can't do myself. I'm fairly handy that way. I already fixed a lot of it, but there's still a few more things that need done for it to be as perfect as it can be.

I watched the finale of the TV show the "Bachelor" tonight. I was struck at how earnest the guy, Brad, was. He knew what he wanted and he went for it. I feel that same way. When he proposed to the woman he loves and told her that she was his forever, I identified with that. How I long to get down on one knee before you, my TAG, and ask you that all important question. I've already got one very important item for that moment. It's very nice, beautiful even, and I hope to one day be able to share it with you. I feel very strongly that this will happen for us. I want us to be a family, you, me, our kids, and to share our love with the world. I am a changed man, this is no facade, this is me, who I am now. I realize how much you mean to me, how very important our love is, and I never want to lose that feeling or lose you. If you decide to come back to me, I will waste no time in asking for your hand in marriage, because I don't want to waste any more time. I've wasted so much being foolish and indecisive and just plain stubborn. That time is passed. I am ready to make you my whole world.

I love you forever, my TAG. There is no other woman nor will there ever be another woman for me. I have your picture as the wallpaper on my phone, that picture of you from your birthday. What a magical day that was. I was finally honest with you and with myself when I told you I love you. I don't know what caused me to retract that statement, besides the fact that I was sabotaging myself. Know only that what I said that night is still the truth. I do love you. I'll never forget the way you looked at me when I told you that, the light in your eyes, the smile on your face. That will be a magical moment for me for the rest of my life.

Here's to us having many more magical nights. I know we can do it. Together our love is strong, strong enough to overcome anything. This will make us that much more strong. I know we can overcome. Together we are invincible! I love you. I miss you so very much, I wish I could leap across the distance and the space between us, gather you in my arms, explain just what you mean to me, and make everything alright all over again.

There's a song I like by the group Boyz II Men. It's called "On Bended Knee". It talks about a guy who screwed up, he's on his knees begging for forgiveness. The only part of the song I don't like, is he says "Can't somebody tell me how to get things back, the way they used to be..." I don't want things to go back to the way they used to be, I want them to be so much better for both of us. I know that I can do it, that we can do it. I have so much love for you, my TAG. It's overwhelming sometimes.

Please, let me have the chance to get down on one knee and ask for your hand in marriage. You will never regret it, and I know that our love will grow stronger every day. I will never, ever be so far away that you can't reach me. A phone call, an email, an SOS signal, smoke signal, whatever it takes, you call for me, and I'll be there. I will never hurt you like this again, my TAG. I promise that with all that I am, with all my heart, might, mind, and strength. You are my forever, and I want to be yours.

I love you forever and always, and I will always be here for you.

I love you, forever and always,
B

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My dearest TAG, my love,

My heart is so full today, I don't really know what to say or what to write or even what to do. It's a good full, though, not bad. No worries. I just love you so much, and I realized fully today that the decision that you make will be the right one for you, and that I will be okay regardless, because I do have your love, and I was fortunate enough to have you in my life. Hopefully I will be fortunate enough to have you in my life once again, for the rest of my life.

I'm so in love with you. I just wish that I had realized it so much sooner. Like a year sooner. If I had done that, then we would be married and living our happily ever after right now. I'm so scared that we will not have that opportunity, but I know that if that's the decision you make, then life will go on. Not a life that I want to live, not a life I will necessarily enjoy, but it will be a life.

I'm really focused on finishing school right now, just putting all of the time and effort that I would have normally spent with you or talking to you doing school stuff. It doesn't help take my mind off things necessarily, but it does help in my scholastic endeavors.

I love you forever my TAG, and I will do anything I can to prove myself to you, to prove that you can trust me and our love again. I love you so very very much, and I will always be here for you. with you right here, I'm a rocketeer, let's fly. You say the word, and I will be there. I will fly to your side, to be with you and take care of you. I love you forever.

I love you forever and always, with all of my heart and soul, and with everything that I am. I am yours forever.

Love always,
B

You are the only one

My dearest TAG, my love,

You are the only woman I have ever loved like this. You will always be the only woman that I will love like this. It tears me apart inside to know that I hurt you and hurt you bad, that I drove you into the arms of another man. It kills me every day to think that he is living my happy ever after with you. I wish there were something I could do to prove myself to you, but I guess there isn't. Just know that I will always be here for you.

I am struggling so bad right now. I hurt every day. I know it's my own fault. I realize that. It's easier to try and blame other people, but underneath all the bluff exterior bullshit the truth remains the same. I messed it up big time, and I can't go back and erase it.

The one thing I can do is live the rest of my life adoring you, worshipping you, loving you. I'm so afraid that you don't understand the depth and breadth of my love, that you don't feel how strongly I love you. I have never ever experienced a love like this before. NEVER. You are the only woman I will ever feel this strongly for, the only woman that would make me overcome my fear of committment, and the only woman that I want to get down on one knee in front of and propose marriage to. I hope one day I can do that, and that you will accept me, and that we can live as husband and wife the rest of our days. I will be the most proud man in the history of the world if I am able to call you my wife.

My divorce really screwed me up in the committment department, and I'm sorry for that. Ours is the longest relationship that I have had outside of my marriage, and the only relationship I have ever been a part of that has made me happy for an extended period of time. I love you so much.

I do hope that you and your new boyfriend break up. I pray for that every night. I know it's not nice of me, but I can't think of anything else besides outright sabotage that I can do, and I won't go about being subversive in that manner. I will not actively attempt to break you two up, even though a part of me thinks that would be for the best. You see, I know that the decision is yours to make, and you are the only one that can decide what you want, whether it's the safety and surface happiness that you have now, the "nice things and big house" as you put it the other day, or whether it's eternal joy and happiness and true love that you and I share. I may not have many nice things. I may be pretty poor and destitute and not much of a winner from the outside looking in. But I know me, and I know my heart, finally. No man will ever love you the way that I do, and no two people will ever be as good together as we are.

I love you so much, my beautiful TAG. I don't know how else to show you. I have changed everything for you. I will do whatever it takes to make our dreams reality. I know that together we can do this. Together we are strong and we can be happy. I want to be the man in your life, you are the only woman in mine.

I love you forever,
B

The hardest day of the week, and the happiest

My dearest TAG, my love,

Thursday here again, and it has become somewhat of a paradox in my life. I enjoy Thursday because I get to go to my house, be with my things, and it means that I am close to you. Very close to you. I don't enjoy it because I have to drive 300 miles to get to my house, and even though I may be close to you, I'm further away than ever before. It's really a difficult thing to describe in words, as most of my feelings are anymore.

The drive back was uneventful. Thank goodness. I've had enough accidents this year. I sure hope I can get my insurance money sometime soon so that I can go truck shopping for reals. I need a new vehicle. I think this weekend I'm going to really buckle down and work on that Saturn too. Hopefully I can figure out what's wrong with it. If not, then I guess I'll push it off a cliff!

I sure wish that you could come over, just so we could sit and chat for a while, or cuddle. I miss cuddling with you. I kick my own butt every day that I didn't realize how special and important to me you are until you were so far gone. I refuse to believe that it is too late. Part of me wants to give up, to throw in the towel and say "I'm done!" But the larger part of me knows this is fallacy, that I will never in life find another woman as wonderful as you. You are the only one I will ever love, and the only one I will ever want to love. No other woman will every stack up to you.

I love you so much, my TAG. I hope one day you will see in your heart that I am still there, that our love is still strong, and on that day you will walk back into my life, heal my aching heart, and I will heal yours, and together we can grow in love and devotion. We will be the couple other couples are envious of, because our love will be so strong.

I love you with all my heart, with everything that is in me. I am yours completely and utterly, without question and without reservation. My life is an open book to you.

I love you always,
B

Wednesday is okay

My dearest TAG, my love,

Well, Wednesday has come and gone, and it wasn't anything too special. I went and looked at a few trucks today. It was alright. I just kept wishing that you were with me to give me your sound advice and counsel. You always are good for a few words when it seems like I might be doing something a little rash!

I also went to the Army Surplus store. There is a really big one up in IF. I browsed for a while, and ended up buying another awesome Army laundry bag. They have the best laundry bags ever, and the one I have now is starting to fall apart. So I got me another one. Now I can haul my laundry around without worrying about it falling out the bottom!

Wednesday I spent a lot of time thinking about Mardi Gras last year. Remember how we went out with some of your friends, I won VIP passes, so we got into some clubs, did some dancing, had some fun. I enjoyed that night so much. I think that was another time that I got it right, the whole us thing. We clicked very well that night. And enjoyed each other's company so very much. I miss you more and more each day. I thought that after a while I would not miss you so very much, but I was wrong. I keep missing you and it gets worse instead of better.

I love you so very much. I hope that you read this, realize how deeply I care, and come back to me. I will do whatever it takes to make you the happiest woman alive. I have changed my phone number, and given it out to only a select group of people, several close friends and my family. I will give it to you, as well, and hope and pray that you will call and talk to me. I love you so, my beautiful TAG, and I know we can be happy together, happier than any other couple in the entire world can be. We will dance and sing and be goofy together, cuddle on the couch, hold each other in the wee hours of the morning, and enjoy sunsets and sunrises and everything in between. I want us to be together forever. I want you to be my wife.

I made a little purchase on the internet the other day. It was your suggestion that I do it, so I did. It is there for you when you are ready to accept it. I am looking to move into a bigger, nicer place. I want it to be our home. I am looking at houses to buy. I think with a VA loan that we can get something really decent, hopefully a fixer-upper that we can shape into our very own home. Not just a house, because we will fill it with our love.

I love you forever, my TAG. You are the only woman for me. I will spend the rest of my life proving that to you, and I hope you will come enjoy the ride with me.

Love, always and forever,
B

Fat Tuesday

My dearest TAG, my love,

Hello there once again. It is Fat Tuesday. Did I go out? HA! Nope. I don't go out, because I don't have you to go out with. You were always so much fun to go out with. I enjoyed watching you interact with other people. Even when you got fierce it was fun. You could be like laughing and joking one minute, then get all up in someone's mug the next, just because they had said something you didn't appreciate.

I miss you more and more each day. I wonder if you feel the same? I thought that it was supposed to get easier as time went by. It isn't and it hasn't. I just miss you more and more. I wonder what you are doing at every hour and every minute of the day. I wonder if you're thinking of me, as I am thinking of you.

I went and looked at some trucks today, but there was no joy in it, knowing that I wouldn't be able to share the experience with you. Plus I don't have my money yet so it's not like I would be able to take one home with me! Anyways, there are some really nice trucks out there that people apparently think are made of gold. Expensive! But I know I'll find one that will suit my needs. Then I can use it to move you out and in with me! HAHAHA! I crack myself up.

Seriously though, I wonder sometimes if it wouldn't just be healthier for me to move on. I don't want to, but I wonder sometimes. The only problem is that you are now the yardstick against which all other women or my interactions with them will be measured, and they will always come up wanting. You are the most wonderful woman I have met or ever will meet in my life. It's you and no other. I so wish you would come back to me, I know our love is strong and will conquer all doubts.

I know now that I'd rather be alone for the rest of my life than live without you. I don't want to live without your love. I want to bask in your presence, be one with you, and show you every day that I love you. I hope you understand and realize how I feel. You are amazing and should always know that I love you.

I do love you, my TAG. Never forget that, and never doubt. I will always be here for you, for whatever it is you may need. Please, please, don't hesitate to call. You will find only love and acceptance on the other end.

I love you forever,
B

Begin another week

My dearest TAG, my love,

Monday, the beginning of another week. I always approach Mondays with guarded optimism, wondering if this week will bring joy or heartache. It was a decent beginning to the week, and so I am hopeful for more good things this week.

I don't remember if I told you that I mailed the title to my truck in, so hopefully in a few days I will receive the insurance settlement. Then it is time to go truck shopping. I so wish that you would come with me. That would be a lot of fun. And, you're much better at negotiating deals than I am. You're a hard-nosed customer to deal with. I like that a lot. I like most everything about you, my TAG. You make life worth living, and I love you for that. I love you for a lot more reasons too.

I found out that I will graduate, as long as I can get a one-credit waiver, which is fairly normal procedure from what I understand. So on May 7th I will be walking in the commencement ceremony. I hope you come, I hope we're together, so that you can join in the festivities with my family. I know you'll have a good time, and be welcomed in with open arms. They are all anxious to meet you.

I so want to kiss you and hold you, make love to you and let you know that I am yours forever, and that you are mine. There is no other woman in this world that I want in my life, only you. I am so in love with you, I will be in love with you forever. Despite what else may happen, I will never stop loving you.

My darling, I'm sorry I was such a fool. I will never be again. I will never take you or our love for granted again, but I will nurture and protect it forever. I love you so very much, that some days I just ache. I hope you feel how much I love you, and understand how deeply I feel for you. Your love is the driving force behind my life.

Please remember always that I am here for you, regardless of what may happen. I will always be here and will always care and will always love you and only you.

I love you forever,
B

I was a fool. A poem for my TAG

I was a fool, I didn't think things would turn out quite this way.
I was a fool, I didn't think about how special you made every day.
I was a fool, I didn't quite realize the way you make me feel.
I was a fool, now I wish that my love could make all this not real.

I was a fool, I asked you not to love me even though you really do.
I was a fool, I didn't know that I really do love you too.
I was a fool, I didn't think about the others I might harm.
I was a fool, now I would do anything to have you on my arm

Now I sit here and think about all the good times that we had.
I know that the good times outweigh all the bad.
I wish that I could turn back time and take all those things back.
I would hold you tight and hold you close and never look back.

I was a fool, I listened to all the wrong people and not to my own heart.
I was a fool, I realize now I should have listened from the start.
I was a fool, I let the woman that I love just walk away.
I was a fool, I should have run to her and begged her to please stay.

I was a fool, but I swear to you, my baby, I'm not the same.
I was a fool, but I know if you get to know me now you'll see I've changed.
I was a fool, but I know now that the only woman I'll ever love is you.
I was a fool, but I want you to know that I love you.

Now I sit here and think about all the good times that we had.
I know that if you come back to me the good times will outweigh the bad.
If you will let me hold you in my arms for one more day.
I know that you will come home to me, and with me forever stay.

I was a fool, but I will not be a fool ever again.
I love you, forever and always, and want to be your man.
Let me hold you, love you, keep you, I want you to be my wife.
I was a fool, but I want to be your fool for the rest of my life.

Some kind of Sunday

My dearest TAG, my love,

Sunday today. Kind of a lazy day, except for the fact that I had to make my usual journey down the interstate. That drive always wears me out, then I had to go and finish my homework. I hope I did it right. This one class is frustrating me so bad. I sure could use your soothing, calming hand.

Remember when I told you that if I started doing bad in school we were going to have to reduce TAG time? Turns out that I do much better in school, and life in general, with you around than without you. Sure wish you were around for me to tell you the frustrations I am having with this semester and the craziness that are my classes this semester. Ugh. I'm sure glad I'm going to be done here soon.

I had such a good weekend with my kids, but I wish you could have joined us. When I think about what we had and what we could still have, I want to kick myself. I'm sorry I got pissed at you the other night, you did nothing wrong, I was more pissed at myself than anything. And I was tired and cranky when I wrote that. I apologize for that. I only want to feel happy with you.

I do love you so much. I want to live the rest of my life with you. I know this may seem hard to believe, I have turned an abrupt 180, and it may be difficult to adapt. But this is how I really feel. I want you so badly, I want to be with you so much, that I would do almost anything. Anything, short of harming a child or destroying a national monument.

I want you to know you have my heart. No other woman will ever mean to me what you do. I will carry our love everywhere with me, and I will never forget you or how I feel about you. You will always have my heart and my love, and I will never ever ever let that love go. I will never again take you for granted or not appreciate the love we have. I will prove myself to you. We belong together, and I believe that with all my heart and all that I am.

I love you forever, and will be here for you forever. If ever you need me, call out, I'll be there.

I love you, my TAG.
B

A Good Saturday

My dearest TAG, my love,

Today was Saturday, and I woke up with zero motivation. I didn't sleep well, so that had a lot to do with it. It seems like I can't get more than 4 hours of sleep a night lately. I don't know what's up with that, but it's frustrating.

In any case, I snuck a nap in. My kids were being so good, playing so well together, and basically regulating themselves, so I took a short nap. Woke up feeling much better. I had great intentions of fixing the Saturn, but I decided it could wait, and I dove into playing with my kids. We had a really good morning, just playing games and enjoying each other.

The afternoon was spent at Chuck E Cheese. On the way there I had several errands to run, it being the first of the month, I had to take care of some bills. So the kids rode around with me while I did that. We just talked and chatted in the car, listened to some good music, and had a good time together. Of course the talk turned to you, they asked if you were going to go with us and bring your kids, I told them that would probably not happen. They asked me why, and I told them that it was because I had hurt you. We talked about love and relationships a little bit. Brevan said, "It's okay daddy. She's still your girlfriend." It just about broke my heart all over again.

In any case, Chuck E. Cheese was great. We had a good time, the kids were very well behaved. I'm so grateful for good kids. Thank you for your help with them when you were around. You were so good to them and for them. Thank you for everything you did to help me in my life and for loving me. I know it wasn't easy. But you did. And do.

I love you so much, my TAG. You are the only woman I will ever love. I will always be here for you, and will never forget you. You are the love of my life.

Love always,
B

Fairly decent Friday

My dearest TAG, my love,

Today was Friday, and it turned out pretty good. Luckily I have some really good friends who give me good advice and do their best to turn my rotten attitude around. I'm grateful for these friends. I hope to be able to introduce you to them sometime. I think you will like them and they will like you. I hope so anyway, because they are important to me, as you are important to me.

Today I had great intentions of moving and shaking and getting things done. Unfortunately, that didn't happen. I did go running, ran about 2 and a half miles, so that was good. But I had zero motivation for anything else. I guess we got some grocery shopping done, which was necessary, but still kind of hurt, because I remembered all the times we went together, and I wish that we could go again. I spent a lot of time with my kids, whom I love so very much. Even they ask about you quite often, and I know it would thrill them to no end if you would come visit.

We're going to Chuck E Cheeses tomorrow, my kids need to have some fun, and I would absolutely love it if you could come. Remember how you came that one time? I love that memory, because it was one of the first times my kids ever met you, and that was such a great memory. I have so many of them with you in them, and I hope that I can have some more. Hopefully sooner rather than later.

I'm so sorry, my TAG, that I can't hold you every night like I wish I could. I'm sorry that I can't be there to kiss you and hold your hand. The prospect of not having you around for activities and fun is almost more than I can bear. I'm prepared to live the rest of my life alone, but it would be much better if I could spend my life with you, together. We would be amazing. We would have a historic love, the kind the poets describe in epic poems and authors die to write about. I feel so deeply, yet I fear that the longer that time passes, the more you are slipping away from me.

I'm sorry if I do things that seem crazy. I am driven by love, and sometimes it drives me crazy. I will back off, give you the time and the space that you need. I'm hoping that the old saying is true about loving something, letting it go, and it comes back to you. That is the hope I am holding onto now.

I love you so much, and miss you a lot. I always will. This will never go away for as long as I live. I will always be yours, you need only come claim me. I am so thankful that I have you in my life, you have enriched my life beyond my understanding, and I hope that we can be a family soon.

I love you forever, my one and only love.

Love always,
B

Downer Thursday

My dearest TAG, my love,



I'm feeling fairly despondent tonight, and so, in order not to drag you down with me, I will be brief.



I don't know what I can say to convince you that I am totally, madly, crazy in love with you. I try and tell you that, and it seems like I just stumble over my words. I don't know. I feel like my entire future is in jeopardy without you, and so I want to be with you.



In Hollywood, the boy confesses to the girl, tells her he loves her, apologizes. The girl takes the boy back, they live happily ever after. Isn't that how it's supposed to work?



It doesn't seem to be working out so well for this confessional boy. My friends keep telling me that I need to give it time, that I need to back off and let happen whatever will. I'm not very good at that sort of thing. I feel like you are so close, my TAG, and yet so far away. I know that I can make you the happiest woman alive, if you will just let me. Damn anyone who may say different. You, however, seem content with life as it is. I just want the best, and for me, you are the best.



I miss you more than I can adequately express. Words fail me tonight. I love you so. I hope someday you can read these words and realize the truth behind them, that a boy fell in love with a girl, didn't realize it until apparently it was too late, and now must live with this knowledge the rest of his life, that he let the best thing he would ever find in life go by the wayside, all because he was too cowardly to face his feelings in the open.



I will always, and I mean ALWAYS be here for you, my TAG. I will ALWAYS love you, and will ALWAYS be ready and willing to receive you with open arms, should that be your wish. I know we can be happy together.



I love you, baby. You and no other, for the rest of my life.



Love always,

B

Wednesday of Wonder

My dearest TAG, my love,

What a wonderful, weird Wednesday this was! I woke up from my slumber to the dream mentioned earlier, that started the weirdness out. I thought about you all day long due to that dream, and I hope and pray that you are doing well. I worry so about you, my love. I worry because I care and love you so much. I want to see you happy and smiling. I know I can bring that bright smile to your face every single day! I want to be able to do that.

I ran 3.1 miles today, or a 5k equivalent. My running is improving, I know because I ran those 3.1 miles in just a little over 23 minutes. That's pretty fast for a big old boy like me! I do so enjoy running, thank you for motivating me to start again. I love you for motivating me to do so many good things. You are wonderful.

Then I went to school, I took a test on Monday for my stats class, remember? I was afraid I had flunked it, right? Well, I came close. I didn't really pass. I got a 61%. The lowest test score I remember getting ever. I felt horrible. I vowed to never get below a 95% on a test in that class the rest of this semester. Will you help me with that?

I remember one time telling you that if I didn't do well in school then I would have to reduce TAG time. I guess now we have proof positive that you were good for me in my scholastic endeavors. Deans list two semesters in a row. Now I fail a test, after you leave. I'm so sorry my TAG. If it meant getting you back I would flunk the rest of the semester too, but I know how damaging that will be to our future. So I will push forward, for the both of us, and for our family. I love the thought of our family so very much.

I actually got a nap in today too, which was good. I only got about 5 hours of sleep last night what with the crazy dream and running. So I guess my body decided I needed the rest. I just sat down in one of those big ole comfy chairs, and fell right asleep. It was nice. I thought about you then too, wondered what you were doing, if you were smiling. I hope so, you have the most fantastic smile. Beautiful, full of goodness, makes me happy!

I wish I could sit down and talk to you. Just us two. I wish I could hold you in my arms, speak my heart in your ear, kiss your lips, make love to you. You are the only woman I will ever love for the rest of my life, I hope you feel that. I hope that asthe sun rises each morning, and as it sets each evening that you are aware that I send my love as I watch. Oh wait, you are so not a morning person. Guess we'll have to stick with sunset and moonrise!

The other good thing that happened today is the insurance adjuster called me and informed me they would be paying me around 4300 dollars for the truck. That was a welcome relief, to know that I would be getting back about what I paid for it in the first place. I've got my eyes on a couple of trucks that I think would work great, extended cabs and what not, big enough that we can all climb in and go camping or to the drive-in this summer. How cool is that? Will you go truck shopping with me? I promise you'll get first drive privileges. And you'll be able to use it any time you like. Especially to move you out of where you're living now, into our new place. I know we don't have a new place yet, but we can find one pretty easy! We're a great team like that.

I'm sorry that I didn't realize earlier how much you mean to me, but I am no longer looking back. I am looking forward to a bright future with you, and I hope you are looking forward too, to a bright future as my family. I want us all to be such a happy family, and I know we can be. We are strong enough, our love is strong enough to make this happen. I also know that we will have lots of fun this summer, you and I, building our family and our lives. I will be done with school, I will get a great job, and together we will build an awesome life. I can see us now, sitting on our porch after kids are in bed, just holding hands, talking, watching the sun go down.

I so want a life with you, my lovely TAG. You mean the world to me, and I will fight through heaven and hell to have you by my side. There is nothing on this earth that will stop me from trying to get to you and make you mine again. I know what makes you happy, and I will do that. We will be a family. You will be my wife. I love you so.

I love you my TAG. Sleep well, wherever you may be. Know that I am watching over you as well as I can, that I am always here for you, all you need do is reach out, and I will be there. I love you and miss you more than I can adequately express.

Love, always and forever,
B

Crazy dream

My dearest TAG, my love,

I had the craziest dream last night. I dreamed you were trapped in a cage in a basement somewhere, and were screaming to be let out. You were there, all by yourself, and were screaming for me to come and save you, but I couldn't hear you. I could feel that you were in peril, but I didn't know where to go or how to get to you.

It was so frustrating to me, to know that you were unhappy, scared, afraid, and alone. I so wanted to run to your side, free you from the bondage you were in, and hold you until the fear in you subsided. I woke up sweating and shivering and clenching my fists.

I hope that this is not a metaphor for how you are feeling. Know this, my love. I will do everything within my power to save you, any time. I will hunt every corner of the earth to find you and free you from that which oppresses you. I will be your hero. I love you so much, my dear TAG. You are the light of my life and the love of my forever. I will destroy any and all who seek to harm you in any way.

I will rescue you. I will show you that our love is worth anything and everything. You don't have to hurt anymore, just come feel the joy that exists in my arms. I will hold you and kiss you and love you til the last breath is taken from out of my body.

I love you forever and always, my TAG.

B

Totally Tuesday

My dearest TAG, my love,

Today was definitely a weird day. Not much really happened, which didn't necessarily make it weird, but I felt like I was moving in slow motion all day long. My reactions weren't right. I don't know what it was, maybe I just need to sleep more. It's hard to do though, when your heart is somewhere far away, in the custody of another, and you hope with an unending hope that the person in charge of it realizes what precious cargo they are carrying, and takes good care of it.

German class today. I was supposed to teach you German, wasn't I? Another wasted opportunity, but still I feel deep down inside that I will have another opportunity. I know that we love each other, and that is enough. Our love will overcome any boundaries that the world or those who may oppose us may throw in our way. I know this. With all my heart I believe and hope and know that we will be together again.

I have gotten into the habit of kissing the picture of you I have put on my phone. It's a beautiful picture. You are so amazing and wonderful. I hope you know that this is not just pretty words, but the feelings of my heart. There is so much I want to say to you, I wish we could just meet somewhere quiet for an hour or two, talk this all out. I want to apologize, look into your eyes, and let you know how much I care, how much I love you. I want us to be a family. I don't just want us to be good buddies or lovers or boyfriend/girlfriend. I want us to be a family, because we will be the strongest family in the world.

Our love is so special. I wish I would have realized it earlier. I wish that I would have understood how special you really are. I wish that you would have called and talked to me one more time before taking the drastic measures that you did. I wish that I would have called and talked to you before you took those measures too. I so wish so many things, but I know that together we are awesome, and we will be awesome again soon. I love you so very much, my TAG, precious queen of my existence.

There is a word that Germans use for their sweethearts. The word is Schatz. It means treasure. But when it is used in that context it means a treasure that is worth more than anything else. The priceless treasure that one would never give away or give up. That's what you are to me. You are my Schatz, the treasure I would give all for, the one I will never give up. You are my world, my life, my love. I am so grateful that I got to meet you, that I got to love you, and I pray and beg and plead that I might be able to do that again. You mean so much to me. You are my world and my life. I love you more than anything else. You mean just as much to me as my kids. I want you to come help me build a family, and I want you and your kids and me and my kids to be that wonderful family.

I know that we can make some beautiful memories, my love. I know that there are still memories that we can make together, that there is a lifetime full of amazing things that together we can make happen. We have a love that will never die, and that love will carry us through. If you need, I am there at any instant. All you gotta do is say the word, and I am there. I will drive like a bat out of hell to get to you. I will come rescue you, I will be your hero.

I love you so very much, always and forever. There is no other woman for me, only you, my Schatz.

I love you, my TAG, with all of my heart, might, mind, and strength.

B

Another manic Monday

My dearest TAG, my love,

Here it is, Monday again, and what a freaking crazy Monday it was! I started out the day by ostensibly flunking a stats test. What a doozy of a test that was. I didn't even know what to think of it when I was done. I may not have flunked it, I may have pulled a C out, but I have no idea how that even happened.

I also almost completely forgot that I had a presentation to do in my other class today. I remembered late last night, and thank goodness that I had done some research and plotted out an outline last week, or I may have been entirely lost! Luckily I was able to pull something amazing and awesome together, as I usually do. You know me, I always work best when my back is up against the wall.

So, Brownie (the Cleveland Browns bear that you gave me for Christmas) has become my constant travel companion and my confidante. I talk to him all the time, give him my little speeches on what I should do, tell him that I love his mama, hug him, kiss him. Basically he's taking your place until you can take your place back. He's the only one who ever will. There will never be another that could take your place. I am reserving a spot just for you. You know where it is. It's your very favorite spot. It is all yours, my love, my dearest TAG. There will never be another that fits there like you do. I sleep with my other teddy tucked into that spot, but even that is not as fulfilling as having you.

You know that you will always have my heart, and that you are my world. Never doubt that. We can make it together in this big bad world. Let me be there for you. Let me be the one that hurries home to you, that kisses you goodnight, that tells you how wonderful you look in the morning and can't wait to see you. Let me be the one to surprise you on your lunch hour, to bring you flowers and cake. Let me be the one that you share your memories with. I know that together we can do anything, that the world will be ours. Together we are strong. Cast away doubt and fear and anger and hurt. I will bear your burdens, and you can bear mine.

I want to communicate openly and freely with you, and be the best man I know how to be. My one greatest regret is that you never got to see the real me, the man I know I can be. That man is yours. You have him. Now come and claim him. Take him back, let him show you how amazing true love is and will be. Be the woman that he deserves, the woman he sees you are. You are amazing and loving and good and kind and fun and wild and reckless and I love everything about you. You not only fit in my life but you are my life.

Today I heard the song that reminds me about you the most. You know the one that goes "she likes to shake her ass, she grinds it to the beat". I love that song. It always makes me smile. Today the memories of you all made me smile, and shake my head a little bit. I can't believe how much I miss you, but I love it all the same.

Let us both get passed the pain. Let us both heal. We can do this best together. I know that I can help build you up, that your heart is still there, and that together we can heal and grow in love and devotion. I know that together we are strong. There will never be a better and more true couple in the history of the universe than we are and will be. Our love will be a beacon to those around us. Our family will stand in awe of the power of our love. Nothing will ever come between us ever again, because we will face all obstacles head on, together, forever.

I love you so much, my TAG. I know that together we can do this. Let us take these steps together, nothing failing, nothing flinching. Let us not listen to the world nor to what those naysayers in the world will say. Let us believe in the power of our love, because our love is stronger indeed than anything any of the haters may throw at us.

I love you and miss you. I am yours forever. Come back to me, please, and let us start anew. I know we can do it together, me and you. We are powerful together, we are great together, let us be so again. You and I together can make this life what we want, what we deserve.

I love you forever and always,
B

Sunset on Sunday

My dearest TAG, my love,

Today, I made my weekly trip east. While driving, the sun went down, and it produced one of the most beautiful sunsets I have seen in a long time. It made me wonder if you were watching it too, enjoying the sunset as I was. It was nice for me to think that perhaps we were enjoying that moment together, even though we weren't aware of it. I think that's how a lot of life is, we enjoy moments together even though we don't realize that we are, until it is either too late or we come to realize exactly what certain things mean to us.

I have come to the conclusion that time is a horrible mistress. She can treat us well at times, grant us certain moments, but at other times she is mean and ugly. She takes things from us, or causes us to neglect certain things. I so wish that I could control time to a degree. Then things would be different.

I do miss you, more than words can possibly render. But, I also realize that you must go your way. If it is meant to be, it will be. If not, then perhaps life has other things before me. That doesn't mean that I stop loving or caring for or missing you. Not at all. But it does mean that it's okay for me to laugh, to live, and to go on. I will always be here for you, that much is certain, but I don't have to put life on hold either. I can and should live. I know that in time you will realize what we mean to each other, and then we can possibly be together.

I suffer terribly from a horrible self-image. I always see my faults first and rarely see the good. I can not understand what anyone would find about me that would be attractive or desirable. Yet you saw all these things in me, and tried to show me. I, unfortunately failed to listen, until it was too late, you were gone, and one of the best things in my life had been taken. I'm so sorry, my TAG.

My heart is heavy. My soul weeps for your loss. I know that you love me, and I know you know that I love you too. This love will overcome any boundaries that space, time, or other people may place in front of us. I know that our love is strong enough to save us. I just have to give it time, but I'm impatient. You know me best, my TAG, and you know I want it now!

I love you forever. I always will. I will always be there for you, no matter what. I will never abandon you.

I love you
B

Alone

My dearest TAG,

Saturday night and I am alone. Normally a night we would spend together, going to the movies, dancing downtown, maybe just spending the evening in each other's arms, just enjoying the others company. Instead, I chased you away, in your words, "put you out on the street with the garbage." I disagree, however. I never treated you like garbage. I didn't treat you the way you deserve to be treated, but I never treated you like garbage.

I'm so sorry for how badly I hurt you, my love. I didn't know. If you had talked to me about it, bluntly and forcefully, told me how much you love me and how you wanted to be with me, I like to think that I would have listened and come to my senses. However, that is all merely speculation, and I'm not sure if it's true or not. I hope so.

Hope is an interesting thing. It's pretty much all I have to hold on to now. I hope that you realize how much you mean to me, and I hope that you realize how much I love you. I hope that things with you and the new boyfriend don't work out. Not that I want you hurt anymore, but I think that you know as well as I do what a special thing we have with each other, and you are trying to run from it by hiding in the arms of another man. That will never work in the end. I just hope you don't end up getting more hurt.

I do love you so very much. I miss all the little things. The looks, the touches, the kisses, the hugs. I shave my head, and wish that you would come do that special thing you do when I shave my head. You know what I'm talking about. I loved that so much, and I hope that I get an opportunity to have that happen again. Holy cow, I hurt so much and love you so much and there's this gigantic hole where my heart used to be. You have my heart. I know I've told you that before, but you do. No one else will ever get it, because you have it. For the rest of forever, it is yours.

Well my love, I guess this has been another blubbery horrible post. I can't help it, this is how I feel. If I can't be honest here, then where can I be? I love you, will do anything for you. Come back whenever you feel ready. I will be here, waiting with open arms, no questions asked.

You have my love forever. Never doubt that. I know you love me too. That love is strong enough to overcome any obstacles that may arise. Trust in it, my love.

I love you forever, my TAG. I miss you more than words can adequately express. I wish I could take back the words and the deeds that hurt you, and I wish that I had been two days earlier. Or two months. Or a year. I'm the stupidest, most ridiculous man that has ever lived on this earth, because I let the best thing that ever came into my life go away, almost without a fight. But I refuse to believe that the fight is over, and that I have lost. I know my love will reach through the time and space between us. You are always with me. Thank you for your love. I lean on it every day.

All my love, forever and ever,
B

Thursday and Friday

My dearest TAG,



So I missed another day. It was just too difficult to get on here, way too many emotions running through me to let me sit down and actually type coherently. In any case, those emotions are still present, but I think I have good enough hold on myself to take care of business today.



You were right, when we spoke a few weeks ago, about everything being a constant reminder of the presence of the other. I get home, and the first thing I see is the Jack in the Box cup you left here the last time you came over. I guess that's more a testament to my horrible house keeping than anything. I actually busied myself cleaning my house, but I just couldn't throw that cup away. As if leaving it there was an invitation to you to come back. Ha! I'm weird I know. Then I go to take some ibuprofen for my neck, look at the bottle in the medicine cabinet, realize that it was part of a two pack that I had bought. Guess where the other bottle went? Oh yeah, to you. Yet another reminder. Just a minute ago I started cooking dinner, and a memory so poignant it was painful hit me like a sledge hammer.



Remember the first time I made you dinner? Do you remember what I made? I remember buying new dishes just for that. I wanted it to be extra special. I think that was another night that I may have done everything right. Just like it was supposed to be. But I was trying so hard to be suave and debonair. I failed almost immediately. Remember how the burner caught on fire and I thought it was just smoking? Yeah. I was real smooth, huh? Real lame, more likely. But I loved you then, even though I didn't realize it. Just like I love you now, only I realize it.



I woke up today in lots of pain. Physical pain from the accident, emotional pain from the memory of you. I do love you so. Everything around me is a memory of you, and instead of running from it, I choose to embrace it. I want to remember you. I want my life to be made of little pieces of you, until the day that my life can be your life too. I want us to make more memories together, maybe not necessarily of burning up the stove, but maybe. Just memories of us together.



I know I've hurt you. I know you doubt that things can change. But I refuse to listen to the voices of the haters, I refuse to doubt myself and your love any longer. I will stand up to those who oppose us, and we, together will be strong.



I hope that you do find what you are looking for, my TAG. I hope you are happy. I hope you always remember that I am always here for you. I hope that one day we can talk together, cuddle together, share our love together. What I wouldn't give for one more night in your arms, because I will make that life last a lifetime. I want to spend every waking minute with you. I want you to be mine, and I want to be yours.



Know always that you have my heart. You and you alone will own that piece of me for the rest of eternity. When you want the rest of me, you know where to find me. I will be here whenever you need me, you can call, and I will run to be by your side.



I love you forever and always. Regardless of what life may throw at us or what obstacles may present themselves, I am and always will be yours and yours alone. No one elses.



I love you, my TAG



B

Tuesday and Wednesday

Dear TAG,

I know you realize that I missed a day. I really had an excellent reason for missing, I promise. It wasn't that I forgot about you, or that I am slowly not caring, not at all. In fact the events of Tuesday impressed in my mind even more how much I care for you and how much I want to be with you.

Tuesday afternoon, as I was driving back from class, I rolled my truck. I think it rolled about three times. Yes, the lovely Gretchen is dead. I feel so stupid. I probably should have died in this wreck, and yes, the thought did cross my mind that maybe you would be better off if I were dead. But then I unsnapped the seatbelt, crashed onto the roof of the truck (It had landed on its roof) then crawled out the back window. Luckily, the truck was resting on its hood and the rear support pillars, or I would have been squished flat. I survived, and didn't even have to go to the hospital. I have lacerations on my hands and on top of my head, my neck and shoulder are a little strained, but otherwise I am unharmed. Luckily no other cars were around, so I didn't hurt anyone else.

So I spent all day Tuesday after the wreck feeling sorry for myself and getting the ball rolling on what needed to happen with the insurance and other things. I also rested, and took some feel good pills (Alleve) to help me sleep. I guess they worked, because I conked out and slept almost 8 hours, which is amazing. I so wish I could have heard your voice, or gotten a hug from you. I so wish that I had not made you run into the arms of that other man. I hope he knows how lucky he is to have you, but that he doesn't hold on to you, rather that you come back to me soon.

Wednesday I did not go to class, because I felt like I had been hit by a truck. (It's supposed to be funny, haha.) My neck and shoulder and whole upper body were pretty stiff, and my head still felt a little tender. I did get to go pick up my rental car. Thank goodness I had full coverage insurance on that truck. I'm glad I didn't take it off last month like I was thinking of doing. So, anyway, in a couple of weeks I guess we'll need to go truck shopping, eh? Would you like to go with me? I sure would appreciate it! I doubt it will happen though. But if you do go with me, I promise I'll let you drive it away. How cool would that be?

So I got my rental car, it's a little Chevy Cobalt, and sitting in it makes me feel like I'm sitting in a clown car. It is so not my style. I guess I was just meant to be a big guy in a big truck. I gotta start looking for one, hopefully I can get my own car fixed and take the rental back. That would be nice. Then I won't feel like I'm in a tiny little clown car.

I miss you so much, my TAG. There isn't an hour or a minute that goes by that you're not on my mind. I even dream about you. Sometimes they are not so great, but usually they are wonderful. We are happy together. I know that I can make you happy. I know that we can make each other happy. I know that we will make a beautiful family. We can be the picturesque family on the block, us and our six kids. Like the Brady Bunch, only lots cooler. I love you so, and will always be here for you. Never doubt, and never fear. I will do whatever it takes to earn your trust and respect and love back, so that we can build the happy family that we both want.

I love you always,

B

Monday

Dearest TAG, my love,

Today was a sad day, because I had to give my kids back to their mom. I'm always amazed at how quiet it is when they are gone. They light up my life, and give me a reason for being. I'm so grateful that I have them. They surely are my inspiration, along with you, my TAG.

An interesting thing happened today. My 4 year old was looking at my phone, noticed a picture of you, and said, "Oh, that's TAG! Is that RS? Wait, no, that's EI! Can we go back there again? With TAG?" I patiently explained that maybe this summer we could go back there and make sand castles again, and if we were lucky that you, my TAG, would accompany us, but there is no promises on that account. It would be great if we could. We would all enjoy it, I'm sure.

Before we left, we had a little time, so we played pool on the pool table at my folks house. Those kids have so much energy and excitement! I wish I could bottle it up. I'd be a freaking millionaire. They were so good the whole time they were here at their grandparents. It was refreshing to see that maybe I have taught them some manners after all.

So I hauled them up to TF to deliver them to their mother. They all fell asleep on the ride. I was jealous. If only I could sleep too! Ah well. It was so nice to see their precious faces as they slept. They truly are angels and I do love them so very much.

After that I just went to the school to do some homework, I had to use the on-campus computer lab because they are the only ones that have the software program I need for my stats class. It's a big pain in the butt to have to do that, so I guess that's why they do it. After I did my homework, I just came home, finished my laundry, and got ready to go back to school tomorrow.

I'm tired tonight, my TAG. Physically exhausted. I hope that I can at least sleep a little bit tonight. I love you and miss you and hope that you are happy and well. I think about you all the time and am so happy that I got to share a little of my life with you. I hope to share more with you, but that is all in your hands now. I know only that I will love you better and more deeply than any other man ever will or can.

I love you forever and I'll always be here for you,
B

Sunday

My dearest TAG,

Hello, my love. I hope your weekend has been well, that you are rested and ready for another week. I know that you enjoy your weekends and getting rest, and I surely hope that you were able to get some this weekend. You deserve it for sure.

Today has been another crazy mix of emotions for me. I was so angry this morning, that I yelled out loud while I was in the shower. Mainly I was angry at myself, for waiting so long to be frank with you and with myself about my emotions. I should have told you ages ago how I really felt and been honest about it. But I couldn't even be honest with myself at that point. I was fighting so hard against my true emotions and true feelings that I confused myself thoroughly. Now, however, everything is clear. I do love you. I always will. If you can find it in your heart to forgive me, and if you feel that it is worth it to, you can always come back to me. I've told you that before and I mean it. At any time, no questions asked, nothing expected. You will be welcomed back with open arms, and invited fully into my life for the first time. I hope that doesn't scare you off.

Anyway, today I was thinking about how beautiful you truly are. You are one of the very few women I have ever met that looks equally sexy in your little bikinis (very hot, by the way), dressed to the nines in a sexy dress and heels like you were for your birthday or in Vegas, hair pulled back in a ponytail and wearing jeans and sneakers and a sweatshirt to go to work, or all dolled up to go out dancing, even when you were just lounging around your house in pj pants and a tank top, you were dazzling, very intoxicating, and just downright beautiful. I think it would be impossible for you to ever be anything but gorgeous! I love that about you. The wallpaper on my phone is set to a picture of you at the beach we went to last summer, you remember that? We built sand castles and went swimming and even dunked each other for good measure. That was a good time.

Speaking of good times and your birthday, I think back on it and I'm pretty sure that I got that one right, at least. I remember how you looked when I picked you up, and even though I was running just a little late, at least I remembered to reserve the restaurant. I even had the foresight to pick up one of your friends and her fiance. I did that one right, didn't I? I'm pretty sure that entire day was almost perfect. I felt so anyway, and you know why I felt that way? Because I was giving of myself to you, my TAG. I just wish that I had made every day that way instead of just that one special day.

So, today ended up decent after all. My kids know just when I need little hugs, and they provided them all day to me. I realized as well that I am a person of worth, that what happened isn't necessarily the measure of me as a man, although I would like to hold onto that and continually beat myself up about what I did and said. I'm not saying that I am absolving myself of any guilt, rather that I am realizing the man that I am, the man you always saw, and the man that you deserve. I promise to become that man. I hope that you will join me on this journey, my TAG, because there are some amazing things that we can do and see and experience together. Like I said before, many of my good memories have you in them, and I want all my good memories in the future to have you in them as well.

So, my TAG, I leave you once again. I do love you and I do miss you and I promise again that I will always be here for you, sending my love out across the miles and the space between us. You need never feel alone or unloved, for you are always with me in my heart and in my thoughts, and my love is sufficient to cross the boundaries that may separate us. I know you feel my love radiating out to you. It will always be thus.

I composed a poem for you. I will post it tomorrow in a separate posting. For now just know that you are the queen of my world, I have already begun treating you as such and will continue to for the rest of my life.

I love you always,
B

Saturday!

My dearest TAG, my love,

I don't really know how to describe today. It was odd, to say the least. But first, I gotta talk about last night, Friday night.

We had a birthday party for my dad, hard to believe that the old fella is going to turn 63 this year. We had the party a little early so that my kids could participate with the other grandkids that live in the area, since they were down here for the weekend. We had a good old time, grandma made the kids pizza and there was salad and coolaid and Jello Jigglers. There always seems to be a lot of food around when my family gets together.

After everyone ate and we had cake and ice cream and opened presents, the adults sat around and talked. Of course the conversation turned to you. I tried to explain the circumstances regarding our current situation, but it was difficult. I didn't really know what to say when my sister-in-law asked when she was going to be able to meet my girlfriend. I told her that we aren't together right now, but that if when we get back together, I will certainly make sure that the entire family gets to meet her. So they are put on warning. They will meet you, as soon as I get you back. I hope that they get that opportunity.

My sister also expressed her concern that maybe waiting for you wouldn't be such a good idea. She was being fairly negative, and I put her in her place. I told her you were the most amazing woman I had ever met, that I had never felt about anyone this way before, and that you inspired me to be a better man. That is the truth, my TAG, and I hope one day to be able to prove that to you.

After I put the kids to bed, I tried to watch a movie, but I was so tired, I was falling asleep. I kept drifting off, and snapping back. I should have just gave up, but I couldn't. I had too many things on my mind. So I stayed up, then finally crashed around midnight. I dropped off the face of the earth. I slept hard til about 5, then I woke wide up, thinking about you, of course. I had some weird dreams too. Strange.

So I was inextricably sad all morning long. I couldn't understand why. When I went on my run I was thinking about those days we spent in Las Vegas, how we had some good times. Then I started thinking about how I hurt your feelings. Especially that last afternoon at Circus Circus, and I couldn't help it. I started crying, while I was running down the road. It does seem that I ruined almost every good memory by being a major butt head. I'm so sorry, my TAG, for doing that. I don't understand why. You were always wonderful, and I was not. You gave 100% all the time, and I gave just about 5%. On a good day. I so want the chance to be able to give you 100% of me, and I promise that if you give me another chance, that is what you will get. 100% of me 100% of the time. I know that I can win your trust again, my TAG, if you give me the chance. And I know it may not happen tomorrow, or the next day, or next week. But I hope that soon enough you will look in your heart, and you will see me standing there. I will still be here, where you can find me.

Music has become a great help to me too, particularly three songs. The first is "Whatever It Takes" by Lifehouse. It is a great song, it deals with a man who has let his love down, and promises to do whatever it takes to make things right. That is how I feel. I will do whatever it takes. If you give me a chance, I'll do what it takes to make it right. The other song is "Come Back to Me" by David Cook. I just like the thought that this guy also is willing to wait for whatever his girl needs til she comes back to him. The third is "On Bended Knee" by Boyz II Men. I so want you back, my TAG. Every day this desire grows stronger, not weaker.

I love you, my TAG. I will do what it takes to be the man you deserve, and to prove that to you. I know that you feel the same, and that one day we will be together. I love you so much. I will do whatever it takes to prove to you that I do, and I will always be here for you.

Love, always,
B

Obsessed?

My dearest TAG, my love,

Someone that I am very close to told me today that my posts make me sound very obsessed and a little deranged. Well, I don't know about all that, but let me address these issues.

Am I obsessed with my TAG? I like to think that I am very much in love with her, hurting a little from her absence, and hurting even more because of the pain and suffering that I have caused her. My purpose in writing is solely to impress upon the minds of those who are reading that I do love her so very much, and that if given another chance I will take care of her and love her as she deserves to be loved.

Granted, I did go off the deep end there at the beginning, doing things that would not be credited to one with a sound mind. Did I really call her new boyfriend? Yup. I did that. I definitely did not have a sound mind on that one. But, I was grasping at straws, and didn't know what else to do. I guess I kind of wished that he would realize how much she means to me and would then give her leave to return to me. I know, I'm naive to think that any man, once he got to know my TAG, would not want her in his life. I know that when and if I ever get her back, I will never let her go for anyone else. I believe that I love her more than anyone could ever love her, and that she will not be happy unless she returns to me, that she might pretend to be, but deep in her heart she knows that we belong together.

So, no more obsessive posts. This started out as a way to tell my TAG about my day, and thoughts I had, basically the things I would say or text her if I had that opportunity. So I will continue on in this vein. I will no longer be melancholy or depressed, unless that is the main theme of the day.

Does this mean that the pain is gone? That I am on the healing path? Partially. I think the pain will stay with me for a long, long time, and that I will always remember how I feel with her gone. But every day is another opportunity to learn how to deal with it.

As far as dealing with it goes, I remember from Basic Training that it is important to use physical exercise as a deterrent to the emotional pain you may be suffering. So, I started back to training, lifting weights, plyometrics, running. I forgot how cleansing running can be. I do my best thinking then, and get a lot of things out of my system that might otherwise poison me. And the weight lifting and plyometrics and running, combined with the loss of appetite due to the emotional trauma and the fact that I didn't eat for several days have helped to start my body on the return to being, as one of my Army pals put it, "The Scariest Man on Earth." He said that because I'm a big guy to begin with, and as he said, "Usually we can outrun the big guys. We can't outrun you." I will get back to that point, then return to my TAG as tough and buff as I've ever been. Then when we go out, it will no longer be Beauty and the Beast, as I often thought of us when we went out together, but Beauty and the Hunk.

I love you, my TAG. I always will. I will always be here for you, regardless of the circumstances. There will never be a day go by that I don't think of you or yearn to be in your arms. The thought of your very presence fills my soul with joy. I know that we will be together, and will wait as long as necessary for that to happen. When the pain fades away, it will be replaced by the love that I send out through the space and miles between us.

I love you always,
B

Friday

Dear TAG,

Today is Friday. Normally a day that we would spend part of the evening together once we both had our kids. Unfortunately, this weekend I am staying in Btown, which is 300 miles away, as we both know. I wish that I had taken the initiative earlier to talk to my folks about you, maybe you could have come down with your kids and we could have had a good time here together.

Alas, it was not meant to be, apparently. I've realized over the course of the last few days that there are certain steps, certain measures I could have taken long ago to alleviate the pain and suffering that we are both experiencing. I was a coward. I hid from myself for so long, compartmentalized my life, keeping certain things apart from other things, and refusing to recognize the fact that I was hurting everyone around me. I also neglected to realize that our relationship went beyond the boundaries of you and me. There were other people involved, our children, our parents, our friends. I let all of them down, hurt all of them by hurting you, and now I must answer to all of them.

These letters are also an attempt to do that. To apologize to all involved. To any affected, I am truly sorry. I do love my TAG, more than I have ever loved anyone ever. I believe that we have what it takes to make the other better. I know that my TAG has made me want to not be just a better boyfriend or lover or future husband, but also a better man, a better brother, a better father, a better son. I want to be a better person all the way around, and my TAG has inspired that in me. Thank you for that.

I want to assure you that you will always be that inspiration for me. Regardless of what may happen in our lives, you will always be my inspiration. I will draw my last breath knowing that I have loved you deeper and more meaningfully than I have loved anybody ever. My love reaches beyond all realms of space and time.

I was thinking today about Sir Lancelot and Lady Guinevere. Sir Lancelot loved Lady Guinevere more than life itself. He rode into battle with her emblem always on him. He composed love poems and love letters to her, and dedicated his entire life to her, to her memory, to his love for her, and to the ideal that she bred in him, the desire to be a better man. The only problem was that Lady Guinevere belonged to King Arthur. She was his wife, but Sir Lancelot's love transcended that.

It is not a good example for us, I don't think. Sir Lancelot lived his life with his love unrequited. He never got the Lady Guinevere. But his love is an example for me. I promise with all my heart, soul, and strength that I will love you like that. I will forever love you. I will give up everything I have to be with you. I will live my life as a tribute to our love. My love for you will shine through in everything I do. I'm sorry that I hurt you, my TAG. More sorry than you will ever know. I will live with the knowledge that I hurt you as well, but I will let my love for you overpower that sorrow. I will hold on for as long as I have to.

I love you, my TAG. There is nothing that I wouldn't do for you. I know I broke your trust and that trust may take a very long time to be put back together. But I also know that we can build it again. Together, we can do anything. Please give us a chance for this.

I love you always and forever

B

Missing you

Dear TAG,

I hope that you know, at all times, and in all places, that I am loving you and missing you. If you ever feel down, or lonely, you don't need to. You are always in my heart. Chances are that I am thinking about you that very minute. I think of you all the time.

Love always,

B

Children

Dear TAG,

Tonight I picked up my children. Because I had informed their mother already about my intentions toward you, she took it upon herself to tell my kids. I then had to explain to my kids what was going on, how we were not together anymore, but if I were lucky and blessed enough to be with you again, that we were going to make you a permanent part of our family. Two of my kids were stoked about that. My oldest boy balked a little. He wasn't too sure that was a good idea.

About halfway through the ride to their grandparent's house, my oldest boy asked if that meant that TAG's kids were going to be his step-siblings. That if you and I got married, my TAG, that your children would then be his step-brother and step-sister. He was very excited when I said "Yes." He got even more excited when I told him that we would probably be moving into a house, and out of the crummy trailer I now occupy.

So, my kids are on board. The ex, well that's another story. I don't anticipate any problems from her, but I think that she might be very openly not too friendly towards both of us for a while. Towards me definitely. I informed all parties that this wasn't for sure yet, that you, my TAG, were not with me and maybe never would be again. But the kids are on board, and ready to handle whatever it may be that happens.

I've accepted that what will be, will be. I can't force you back into my arms. I can assure you that I will always love you, no matter how far away I am or if I never get to see you again. I will always be here for you. But I'm giving you your space and letting you take care of whatever it is you need to. If by chance in the future you feel like contacting me, please do. I will always have an ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on, and arms ready to hold you forever. I love you so much.

Please take good care of yourself. Know that I love you. I will continue to write to you everyday, and will think of you every minute, and will hope and pray with every thing that is in me that we may be together someday, somehow, some way. That we can become the loving family that I want so bad, and that I'm pretty sure you want as well.

Sleep well, my love. I will dream of us together, for in my dreams we are together, happy and joyful.

I love you always

B

We talked for almost an hour!

Well, my TAG texted me today, she apologized for the boys that had texted me from her phone a few nights ago. They were telling me to stop texting and that she didn't like me anymore and to leave her alone. I told them that I would, and that she could contact me if she would like. So she texted me when she was on her way to work today. I guess she read all my crazy emails, and still doesn't think I'm totally looney.

In any case, I decided to call her and talk to her. It was so good to hear her voice. I had kind of a rough morning, so this was like soothing salve to my soul. We had a very good discussion, I think. I'm pretty sure she knows now that I will ALWAYS be there for her. It was the best talk that we've had in months, so I was happy about that. We even discussed logistics of getting back together a little. I am floating right now. I am so ecstatic. I know that we are not back together, that there are issues to work out, I just hope that the people that will be yapping in her ear won't drown out the sounds of her own heart. I hope that she will realize that she does love me, as she said when we parted.

I am so in love with you, TAG. You're the queen of my world. I will spend the rest of my life living so as to prove to you that I am true. I will make you happier than anyone else in the world could. I know you know this, as I know it. So please, come back home. I am here, and I will be here for as long as it takes.

I love you TAG

Always and forever
B

Thursday

Dear TAG,

Here it is Thursday, it's 5:30 a.m., and this is the first night that I actually slept longer than 3 hours in a row since Friday night. I also ate a real meal last night for the first time since Saturday afternoon. It seems like I'm coping a little bit better for the time being. I still have instances, little things will happen, and the whole world comes crashing down on me again. For example, the other morning I was thinking about the day after Christmas for some reason, how we cuddled up on the couch all day long, just me and you, and shut the world out for a while. What a wonderful day that was. I wish I could have some more days like that. I miss you so much, the touch of your hand, the way you would look into my eyes, your beautiful blue eyes penetrating my soul. Whether you want to believe it now or not, you could always touch my soul. Being with you helped me realize I do have a soul, that I wasn't just another lost person.

Please come back to me, so that we can start on lots of other memories. I know it won't be anytime soon, the pain is still to easy to see through the messages you leave me on facebook. I know I hurt you over over, but the hurting is over. I only want us to be happy. I guess that if you think you're better off with this new guy that I should just back off. But I want you to know that I will always be here for you. Should anything ever happen, you can call, I will come running. I will drop everything in an instant and come to be by your side. I will take you in, protect you, shelter you, and above all, love you. I think that in spite of the things that I did, we can overcome them together. Together we can do anything.

I have changed, my TAG. I am not the same person. This experience has torn me down to my foundation, and I am now building anew. I want you to be the foreman for this project. I want you to be right there with me, helping me change and helping me live life. I want this life for us so bad, and I will never give up. I will NEVER give up. Even if it should take a hundred years, I will show you how much you mean to me, because you mean more than the world to me.

Through the heartache that I have experienced, music has been the one thing that I have turned to over and over again to help soothe my savaged soul. Please listen to your music, think of me, and come back to me. I will make you the happiest woman in the world.

Love always and forever
B

The last crazy email, titled "Final"

This email was sent after her new boyfriend son texted me on her phone (the one I was still paying for) and told me to leave her alone, she was with her dad now and they were happy, I was a dick, etc. He also called himself her other son. Are you kidding me? They've been together a week and you're calling yourself her son? Wow. Delusional much? I mean, this can't be normal, can it? Or maybe it's just my hurt feelings showing. I don't know, maybe I just need some outside input on this. In any case, here's the email.

Dear TAG,

This is the final email I will send you. Does this mean I'm giving up? No. It just means that I will no longer actively try to interfere, which is apparently all I've been doing. But for me it was only doing everything I could in my power to win back the best thing that had happened in my life, outside the birth of my children. I understand you have a brand new family that welcomed you in with open arms, but they're not your real family. When you're ready, we will be too. You can come back anytime. You know how to find me, I'm not running away. I merely realize that I keep repeating myself, and I've said the most important things. I love you. I always will. You can come back at any time, no questions asked, and I will fall all over myself to treat you the way I should have from the very beginning. Please don't forget the great times. I look at the pictures of us from Vegas, and we make an amazing couple. I'm sorry I didn't realize it from the beginning. I guess you don't know what you got til it's gone. I will think of you everyday. It's 1:30 in the morning here, I have slept about 8 hours total since Saturday, and haven't eaten since then. This is how you affect me. I will always have a place for you in my heart, there is no one that can fill that. Please be happy.

All my love
Your Big Poppa
B

The fourth crazy email, titled "Tuesday"

Dear TAG,

It's Tuesday, so here's your email. I'm really going to try and contain myself to one a day, but I don't know if I can manage that. I woke up at 4 a.m. after 3 hours of sleep today. Yeah, I can't sleep. At all. I hold Teddy in your favorite spot, but it's just not the same. That spot will never belong to another, I'm going to get your initials engraved on it. I'm so sorry for the pain and the hurt that I've caused, and I know it's all my fault, and I wouldn't blame you for never wanting to be with me again. I can, however, guarantee that if you do, I will make you the happiest woman alive, and will adore you like you deserve to be adored. Please don't give up on me. I know I want to be with you forever.

I did something else crazy today. I called J (the new boyfriend, told y'all I went a little bit crazy). I just felt like telling him thank you and to take care of you since I can't. He sounds like a good guy. I hope he makes you happy, but I know he will never make you as happy as I could. I know that. We belong together, and I will be here for you forever. There will never be a time or circumstance that could turn me away. Even if I never see you again, I will die with you as my true love. But I hope it doesn't come to that, for I love you more than life itself. I want you to know my family, I want them to fall in love with you too, then I want to marry you and have you as my wife. I'm sorry it took this to convince me, but it did. And I am. I will never again put you on the back burner or treat you as less than the wonderful woman that you are. Thank you for loving me, and for teaching me how to love. You did it, and I was just too much of a fool to realize it at the time.

Baby, please come back. I just want you in my arms again.

Love,

Always and forever,
B

The third crazy email titled "Parents"

Dear TAG,

I had a long talk with my parents tonight about you. I don't know why it took me so long to do it. I should have done it a year ago. I let my own fear get in the way of our happiness, and I am so sorry. I know about your new boyfriend, that you moved in with him and everything. I am sorry I forced you to feel you needed to do something like that. I love you. I always will. My parents hope to be able to meet you someday. I hope you can do that too. I told them that I want to marry you. I do want to marry you TAG. I want to make you the happiest woman alive, and I know I can do that. I think you know it too. You can come back to me. I have a truck, and we can move you out just as easily as you moved in. You can live with me. We'll find a bigger place. Together we can do anything. You asked me the other day why now, why I was realizing all this now when you had made the decisions to move on. I didn't realize how much you meant to me until you were gone. Then I realized that not only was I losing my best friend in the whole world, the one person I share everything with, but that I was losing the woman I love more than life itself. But you didn't even give me an opportunity to realize that. It wasn't even a week, TAG. This guy can't possibly love or care about you the way that I do, and he damn sure doesn't respect you if he's moving you in with him less than a week later. I will fight tooth and nail for you. I will not let you go. Please, please call or email or text or something. I know we can work this out. I know you know we can work this out, and we are great together. I will drop everything and run to be by your side. I love you just as much as I love my kids, and I will spend the rest of my life proving that to you. Please give me the opportunity to do that.

All my love,
B