My dearest TAG, my love,
Here it is, Monday again, and what a freaking crazy Monday it was! I started out the day by ostensibly flunking a stats test. What a doozy of a test that was. I didn't even know what to think of it when I was done. I may not have flunked it, I may have pulled a C out, but I have no idea how that even happened.
I also almost completely forgot that I had a presentation to do in my other class today. I remembered late last night, and thank goodness that I had done some research and plotted out an outline last week, or I may have been entirely lost! Luckily I was able to pull something amazing and awesome together, as I usually do. You know me, I always work best when my back is up against the wall.
So, Brownie (the Cleveland Browns bear that you gave me for Christmas) has become my constant travel companion and my confidante. I talk to him all the time, give him my little speeches on what I should do, tell him that I love his mama, hug him, kiss him. Basically he's taking your place until you can take your place back. He's the only one who ever will. There will never be another that could take your place. I am reserving a spot just for you. You know where it is. It's your very favorite spot. It is all yours, my love, my dearest TAG. There will never be another that fits there like you do. I sleep with my other teddy tucked into that spot, but even that is not as fulfilling as having you.
You know that you will always have my heart, and that you are my world. Never doubt that. We can make it together in this big bad world. Let me be there for you. Let me be the one that hurries home to you, that kisses you goodnight, that tells you how wonderful you look in the morning and can't wait to see you. Let me be the one to surprise you on your lunch hour, to bring you flowers and cake. Let me be the one that you share your memories with. I know that together we can do anything, that the world will be ours. Together we are strong. Cast away doubt and fear and anger and hurt. I will bear your burdens, and you can bear mine.
I want to communicate openly and freely with you, and be the best man I know how to be. My one greatest regret is that you never got to see the real me, the man I know I can be. That man is yours. You have him. Now come and claim him. Take him back, let him show you how amazing true love is and will be. Be the woman that he deserves, the woman he sees you are. You are amazing and loving and good and kind and fun and wild and reckless and I love everything about you. You not only fit in my life but you are my life.
Today I heard the song that reminds me about you the most. You know the one that goes "she likes to shake her ass, she grinds it to the beat". I love that song. It always makes me smile. Today the memories of you all made me smile, and shake my head a little bit. I can't believe how much I miss you, but I love it all the same.
Let us both get passed the pain. Let us both heal. We can do this best together. I know that I can help build you up, that your heart is still there, and that together we can heal and grow in love and devotion. I know that together we are strong. There will never be a better and more true couple in the history of the universe than we are and will be. Our love will be a beacon to those around us. Our family will stand in awe of the power of our love. Nothing will ever come between us ever again, because we will face all obstacles head on, together, forever.
I love you so much, my TAG. I know that together we can do this. Let us take these steps together, nothing failing, nothing flinching. Let us not listen to the world nor to what those naysayers in the world will say. Let us believe in the power of our love, because our love is stronger indeed than anything any of the haters may throw at us.
I love you and miss you. I am yours forever. Come back to me, please, and let us start anew. I know we can do it together, me and you. We are powerful together, we are great together, let us be so again. You and I together can make this life what we want, what we deserve.
I love you forever and always,
B
Monday, February 28, 2011
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Sunset on Sunday
My dearest TAG, my love,
Today, I made my weekly trip east. While driving, the sun went down, and it produced one of the most beautiful sunsets I have seen in a long time. It made me wonder if you were watching it too, enjoying the sunset as I was. It was nice for me to think that perhaps we were enjoying that moment together, even though we weren't aware of it. I think that's how a lot of life is, we enjoy moments together even though we don't realize that we are, until it is either too late or we come to realize exactly what certain things mean to us.
I have come to the conclusion that time is a horrible mistress. She can treat us well at times, grant us certain moments, but at other times she is mean and ugly. She takes things from us, or causes us to neglect certain things. I so wish that I could control time to a degree. Then things would be different.
I do miss you, more than words can possibly render. But, I also realize that you must go your way. If it is meant to be, it will be. If not, then perhaps life has other things before me. That doesn't mean that I stop loving or caring for or missing you. Not at all. But it does mean that it's okay for me to laugh, to live, and to go on. I will always be here for you, that much is certain, but I don't have to put life on hold either. I can and should live. I know that in time you will realize what we mean to each other, and then we can possibly be together.
I suffer terribly from a horrible self-image. I always see my faults first and rarely see the good. I can not understand what anyone would find about me that would be attractive or desirable. Yet you saw all these things in me, and tried to show me. I, unfortunately failed to listen, until it was too late, you were gone, and one of the best things in my life had been taken. I'm so sorry, my TAG.
My heart is heavy. My soul weeps for your loss. I know that you love me, and I know you know that I love you too. This love will overcome any boundaries that space, time, or other people may place in front of us. I know that our love is strong enough to save us. I just have to give it time, but I'm impatient. You know me best, my TAG, and you know I want it now!
I love you forever. I always will. I will always be there for you, no matter what. I will never abandon you.
I love you
B
Today, I made my weekly trip east. While driving, the sun went down, and it produced one of the most beautiful sunsets I have seen in a long time. It made me wonder if you were watching it too, enjoying the sunset as I was. It was nice for me to think that perhaps we were enjoying that moment together, even though we weren't aware of it. I think that's how a lot of life is, we enjoy moments together even though we don't realize that we are, until it is either too late or we come to realize exactly what certain things mean to us.
I have come to the conclusion that time is a horrible mistress. She can treat us well at times, grant us certain moments, but at other times she is mean and ugly. She takes things from us, or causes us to neglect certain things. I so wish that I could control time to a degree. Then things would be different.
I do miss you, more than words can possibly render. But, I also realize that you must go your way. If it is meant to be, it will be. If not, then perhaps life has other things before me. That doesn't mean that I stop loving or caring for or missing you. Not at all. But it does mean that it's okay for me to laugh, to live, and to go on. I will always be here for you, that much is certain, but I don't have to put life on hold either. I can and should live. I know that in time you will realize what we mean to each other, and then we can possibly be together.
I suffer terribly from a horrible self-image. I always see my faults first and rarely see the good. I can not understand what anyone would find about me that would be attractive or desirable. Yet you saw all these things in me, and tried to show me. I, unfortunately failed to listen, until it was too late, you were gone, and one of the best things in my life had been taken. I'm so sorry, my TAG.
My heart is heavy. My soul weeps for your loss. I know that you love me, and I know you know that I love you too. This love will overcome any boundaries that space, time, or other people may place in front of us. I know that our love is strong enough to save us. I just have to give it time, but I'm impatient. You know me best, my TAG, and you know I want it now!
I love you forever. I always will. I will always be there for you, no matter what. I will never abandon you.
I love you
B
Alone
My dearest TAG,
Saturday night and I am alone. Normally a night we would spend together, going to the movies, dancing downtown, maybe just spending the evening in each other's arms, just enjoying the others company. Instead, I chased you away, in your words, "put you out on the street with the garbage." I disagree, however. I never treated you like garbage. I didn't treat you the way you deserve to be treated, but I never treated you like garbage.
I'm so sorry for how badly I hurt you, my love. I didn't know. If you had talked to me about it, bluntly and forcefully, told me how much you love me and how you wanted to be with me, I like to think that I would have listened and come to my senses. However, that is all merely speculation, and I'm not sure if it's true or not. I hope so.
Hope is an interesting thing. It's pretty much all I have to hold on to now. I hope that you realize how much you mean to me, and I hope that you realize how much I love you. I hope that things with you and the new boyfriend don't work out. Not that I want you hurt anymore, but I think that you know as well as I do what a special thing we have with each other, and you are trying to run from it by hiding in the arms of another man. That will never work in the end. I just hope you don't end up getting more hurt.
I do love you so very much. I miss all the little things. The looks, the touches, the kisses, the hugs. I shave my head, and wish that you would come do that special thing you do when I shave my head. You know what I'm talking about. I loved that so much, and I hope that I get an opportunity to have that happen again. Holy cow, I hurt so much and love you so much and there's this gigantic hole where my heart used to be. You have my heart. I know I've told you that before, but you do. No one else will ever get it, because you have it. For the rest of forever, it is yours.
Well my love, I guess this has been another blubbery horrible post. I can't help it, this is how I feel. If I can't be honest here, then where can I be? I love you, will do anything for you. Come back whenever you feel ready. I will be here, waiting with open arms, no questions asked.
You have my love forever. Never doubt that. I know you love me too. That love is strong enough to overcome any obstacles that may arise. Trust in it, my love.
I love you forever, my TAG. I miss you more than words can adequately express. I wish I could take back the words and the deeds that hurt you, and I wish that I had been two days earlier. Or two months. Or a year. I'm the stupidest, most ridiculous man that has ever lived on this earth, because I let the best thing that ever came into my life go away, almost without a fight. But I refuse to believe that the fight is over, and that I have lost. I know my love will reach through the time and space between us. You are always with me. Thank you for your love. I lean on it every day.
All my love, forever and ever,
B
Saturday night and I am alone. Normally a night we would spend together, going to the movies, dancing downtown, maybe just spending the evening in each other's arms, just enjoying the others company. Instead, I chased you away, in your words, "put you out on the street with the garbage." I disagree, however. I never treated you like garbage. I didn't treat you the way you deserve to be treated, but I never treated you like garbage.
I'm so sorry for how badly I hurt you, my love. I didn't know. If you had talked to me about it, bluntly and forcefully, told me how much you love me and how you wanted to be with me, I like to think that I would have listened and come to my senses. However, that is all merely speculation, and I'm not sure if it's true or not. I hope so.
Hope is an interesting thing. It's pretty much all I have to hold on to now. I hope that you realize how much you mean to me, and I hope that you realize how much I love you. I hope that things with you and the new boyfriend don't work out. Not that I want you hurt anymore, but I think that you know as well as I do what a special thing we have with each other, and you are trying to run from it by hiding in the arms of another man. That will never work in the end. I just hope you don't end up getting more hurt.
I do love you so very much. I miss all the little things. The looks, the touches, the kisses, the hugs. I shave my head, and wish that you would come do that special thing you do when I shave my head. You know what I'm talking about. I loved that so much, and I hope that I get an opportunity to have that happen again. Holy cow, I hurt so much and love you so much and there's this gigantic hole where my heart used to be. You have my heart. I know I've told you that before, but you do. No one else will ever get it, because you have it. For the rest of forever, it is yours.
Well my love, I guess this has been another blubbery horrible post. I can't help it, this is how I feel. If I can't be honest here, then where can I be? I love you, will do anything for you. Come back whenever you feel ready. I will be here, waiting with open arms, no questions asked.
You have my love forever. Never doubt that. I know you love me too. That love is strong enough to overcome any obstacles that may arise. Trust in it, my love.
I love you forever, my TAG. I miss you more than words can adequately express. I wish I could take back the words and the deeds that hurt you, and I wish that I had been two days earlier. Or two months. Or a year. I'm the stupidest, most ridiculous man that has ever lived on this earth, because I let the best thing that ever came into my life go away, almost without a fight. But I refuse to believe that the fight is over, and that I have lost. I know my love will reach through the time and space between us. You are always with me. Thank you for your love. I lean on it every day.
All my love, forever and ever,
B
Friday, February 25, 2011
Thursday and Friday
My dearest TAG,
So I missed another day. It was just too difficult to get on here, way too many emotions running through me to let me sit down and actually type coherently. In any case, those emotions are still present, but I think I have good enough hold on myself to take care of business today.
You were right, when we spoke a few weeks ago, about everything being a constant reminder of the presence of the other. I get home, and the first thing I see is the Jack in the Box cup you left here the last time you came over. I guess that's more a testament to my horrible house keeping than anything. I actually busied myself cleaning my house, but I just couldn't throw that cup away. As if leaving it there was an invitation to you to come back. Ha! I'm weird I know. Then I go to take some ibuprofen for my neck, look at the bottle in the medicine cabinet, realize that it was part of a two pack that I had bought. Guess where the other bottle went? Oh yeah, to you. Yet another reminder. Just a minute ago I started cooking dinner, and a memory so poignant it was painful hit me like a sledge hammer.
Remember the first time I made you dinner? Do you remember what I made? I remember buying new dishes just for that. I wanted it to be extra special. I think that was another night that I may have done everything right. Just like it was supposed to be. But I was trying so hard to be suave and debonair. I failed almost immediately. Remember how the burner caught on fire and I thought it was just smoking? Yeah. I was real smooth, huh? Real lame, more likely. But I loved you then, even though I didn't realize it. Just like I love you now, only I realize it.
I woke up today in lots of pain. Physical pain from the accident, emotional pain from the memory of you. I do love you so. Everything around me is a memory of you, and instead of running from it, I choose to embrace it. I want to remember you. I want my life to be made of little pieces of you, until the day that my life can be your life too. I want us to make more memories together, maybe not necessarily of burning up the stove, but maybe. Just memories of us together.
I know I've hurt you. I know you doubt that things can change. But I refuse to listen to the voices of the haters, I refuse to doubt myself and your love any longer. I will stand up to those who oppose us, and we, together will be strong.
I hope that you do find what you are looking for, my TAG. I hope you are happy. I hope you always remember that I am always here for you. I hope that one day we can talk together, cuddle together, share our love together. What I wouldn't give for one more night in your arms, because I will make that life last a lifetime. I want to spend every waking minute with you. I want you to be mine, and I want to be yours.
Know always that you have my heart. You and you alone will own that piece of me for the rest of eternity. When you want the rest of me, you know where to find me. I will be here whenever you need me, you can call, and I will run to be by your side.
I love you forever and always. Regardless of what life may throw at us or what obstacles may present themselves, I am and always will be yours and yours alone. No one elses.
I love you, my TAG
B
So I missed another day. It was just too difficult to get on here, way too many emotions running through me to let me sit down and actually type coherently. In any case, those emotions are still present, but I think I have good enough hold on myself to take care of business today.
You were right, when we spoke a few weeks ago, about everything being a constant reminder of the presence of the other. I get home, and the first thing I see is the Jack in the Box cup you left here the last time you came over. I guess that's more a testament to my horrible house keeping than anything. I actually busied myself cleaning my house, but I just couldn't throw that cup away. As if leaving it there was an invitation to you to come back. Ha! I'm weird I know. Then I go to take some ibuprofen for my neck, look at the bottle in the medicine cabinet, realize that it was part of a two pack that I had bought. Guess where the other bottle went? Oh yeah, to you. Yet another reminder. Just a minute ago I started cooking dinner, and a memory so poignant it was painful hit me like a sledge hammer.
Remember the first time I made you dinner? Do you remember what I made? I remember buying new dishes just for that. I wanted it to be extra special. I think that was another night that I may have done everything right. Just like it was supposed to be. But I was trying so hard to be suave and debonair. I failed almost immediately. Remember how the burner caught on fire and I thought it was just smoking? Yeah. I was real smooth, huh? Real lame, more likely. But I loved you then, even though I didn't realize it. Just like I love you now, only I realize it.
I woke up today in lots of pain. Physical pain from the accident, emotional pain from the memory of you. I do love you so. Everything around me is a memory of you, and instead of running from it, I choose to embrace it. I want to remember you. I want my life to be made of little pieces of you, until the day that my life can be your life too. I want us to make more memories together, maybe not necessarily of burning up the stove, but maybe. Just memories of us together.
I know I've hurt you. I know you doubt that things can change. But I refuse to listen to the voices of the haters, I refuse to doubt myself and your love any longer. I will stand up to those who oppose us, and we, together will be strong.
I hope that you do find what you are looking for, my TAG. I hope you are happy. I hope you always remember that I am always here for you. I hope that one day we can talk together, cuddle together, share our love together. What I wouldn't give for one more night in your arms, because I will make that life last a lifetime. I want to spend every waking minute with you. I want you to be mine, and I want to be yours.
Know always that you have my heart. You and you alone will own that piece of me for the rest of eternity. When you want the rest of me, you know where to find me. I will be here whenever you need me, you can call, and I will run to be by your side.
I love you forever and always. Regardless of what life may throw at us or what obstacles may present themselves, I am and always will be yours and yours alone. No one elses.
I love you, my TAG
B
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Tuesday and Wednesday
Dear TAG,
I know you realize that I missed a day. I really had an excellent reason for missing, I promise. It wasn't that I forgot about you, or that I am slowly not caring, not at all. In fact the events of Tuesday impressed in my mind even more how much I care for you and how much I want to be with you.
Tuesday afternoon, as I was driving back from class, I rolled my truck. I think it rolled about three times. Yes, the lovely Gretchen is dead. I feel so stupid. I probably should have died in this wreck, and yes, the thought did cross my mind that maybe you would be better off if I were dead. But then I unsnapped the seatbelt, crashed onto the roof of the truck (It had landed on its roof) then crawled out the back window. Luckily, the truck was resting on its hood and the rear support pillars, or I would have been squished flat. I survived, and didn't even have to go to the hospital. I have lacerations on my hands and on top of my head, my neck and shoulder are a little strained, but otherwise I am unharmed. Luckily no other cars were around, so I didn't hurt anyone else.
So I spent all day Tuesday after the wreck feeling sorry for myself and getting the ball rolling on what needed to happen with the insurance and other things. I also rested, and took some feel good pills (Alleve) to help me sleep. I guess they worked, because I conked out and slept almost 8 hours, which is amazing. I so wish I could have heard your voice, or gotten a hug from you. I so wish that I had not made you run into the arms of that other man. I hope he knows how lucky he is to have you, but that he doesn't hold on to you, rather that you come back to me soon.
Wednesday I did not go to class, because I felt like I had been hit by a truck. (It's supposed to be funny, haha.) My neck and shoulder and whole upper body were pretty stiff, and my head still felt a little tender. I did get to go pick up my rental car. Thank goodness I had full coverage insurance on that truck. I'm glad I didn't take it off last month like I was thinking of doing. So, anyway, in a couple of weeks I guess we'll need to go truck shopping, eh? Would you like to go with me? I sure would appreciate it! I doubt it will happen though. But if you do go with me, I promise I'll let you drive it away. How cool would that be?
So I got my rental car, it's a little Chevy Cobalt, and sitting in it makes me feel like I'm sitting in a clown car. It is so not my style. I guess I was just meant to be a big guy in a big truck. I gotta start looking for one, hopefully I can get my own car fixed and take the rental back. That would be nice. Then I won't feel like I'm in a tiny little clown car.
I miss you so much, my TAG. There isn't an hour or a minute that goes by that you're not on my mind. I even dream about you. Sometimes they are not so great, but usually they are wonderful. We are happy together. I know that I can make you happy. I know that we can make each other happy. I know that we will make a beautiful family. We can be the picturesque family on the block, us and our six kids. Like the Brady Bunch, only lots cooler. I love you so, and will always be here for you. Never doubt, and never fear. I will do whatever it takes to earn your trust and respect and love back, so that we can build the happy family that we both want.
I love you always,
B
I know you realize that I missed a day. I really had an excellent reason for missing, I promise. It wasn't that I forgot about you, or that I am slowly not caring, not at all. In fact the events of Tuesday impressed in my mind even more how much I care for you and how much I want to be with you.
Tuesday afternoon, as I was driving back from class, I rolled my truck. I think it rolled about three times. Yes, the lovely Gretchen is dead. I feel so stupid. I probably should have died in this wreck, and yes, the thought did cross my mind that maybe you would be better off if I were dead. But then I unsnapped the seatbelt, crashed onto the roof of the truck (It had landed on its roof) then crawled out the back window. Luckily, the truck was resting on its hood and the rear support pillars, or I would have been squished flat. I survived, and didn't even have to go to the hospital. I have lacerations on my hands and on top of my head, my neck and shoulder are a little strained, but otherwise I am unharmed. Luckily no other cars were around, so I didn't hurt anyone else.
So I spent all day Tuesday after the wreck feeling sorry for myself and getting the ball rolling on what needed to happen with the insurance and other things. I also rested, and took some feel good pills (Alleve) to help me sleep. I guess they worked, because I conked out and slept almost 8 hours, which is amazing. I so wish I could have heard your voice, or gotten a hug from you. I so wish that I had not made you run into the arms of that other man. I hope he knows how lucky he is to have you, but that he doesn't hold on to you, rather that you come back to me soon.
Wednesday I did not go to class, because I felt like I had been hit by a truck. (It's supposed to be funny, haha.) My neck and shoulder and whole upper body were pretty stiff, and my head still felt a little tender. I did get to go pick up my rental car. Thank goodness I had full coverage insurance on that truck. I'm glad I didn't take it off last month like I was thinking of doing. So, anyway, in a couple of weeks I guess we'll need to go truck shopping, eh? Would you like to go with me? I sure would appreciate it! I doubt it will happen though. But if you do go with me, I promise I'll let you drive it away. How cool would that be?
So I got my rental car, it's a little Chevy Cobalt, and sitting in it makes me feel like I'm sitting in a clown car. It is so not my style. I guess I was just meant to be a big guy in a big truck. I gotta start looking for one, hopefully I can get my own car fixed and take the rental back. That would be nice. Then I won't feel like I'm in a tiny little clown car.
I miss you so much, my TAG. There isn't an hour or a minute that goes by that you're not on my mind. I even dream about you. Sometimes they are not so great, but usually they are wonderful. We are happy together. I know that I can make you happy. I know that we can make each other happy. I know that we will make a beautiful family. We can be the picturesque family on the block, us and our six kids. Like the Brady Bunch, only lots cooler. I love you so, and will always be here for you. Never doubt, and never fear. I will do whatever it takes to earn your trust and respect and love back, so that we can build the happy family that we both want.
I love you always,
B
Monday, February 21, 2011
Monday
Dearest TAG, my love,
Today was a sad day, because I had to give my kids back to their mom. I'm always amazed at how quiet it is when they are gone. They light up my life, and give me a reason for being. I'm so grateful that I have them. They surely are my inspiration, along with you, my TAG.
An interesting thing happened today. My 4 year old was looking at my phone, noticed a picture of you, and said, "Oh, that's TAG! Is that RS? Wait, no, that's EI! Can we go back there again? With TAG?" I patiently explained that maybe this summer we could go back there and make sand castles again, and if we were lucky that you, my TAG, would accompany us, but there is no promises on that account. It would be great if we could. We would all enjoy it, I'm sure.
Before we left, we had a little time, so we played pool on the pool table at my folks house. Those kids have so much energy and excitement! I wish I could bottle it up. I'd be a freaking millionaire. They were so good the whole time they were here at their grandparents. It was refreshing to see that maybe I have taught them some manners after all.
So I hauled them up to TF to deliver them to their mother. They all fell asleep on the ride. I was jealous. If only I could sleep too! Ah well. It was so nice to see their precious faces as they slept. They truly are angels and I do love them so very much.
After that I just went to the school to do some homework, I had to use the on-campus computer lab because they are the only ones that have the software program I need for my stats class. It's a big pain in the butt to have to do that, so I guess that's why they do it. After I did my homework, I just came home, finished my laundry, and got ready to go back to school tomorrow.
I'm tired tonight, my TAG. Physically exhausted. I hope that I can at least sleep a little bit tonight. I love you and miss you and hope that you are happy and well. I think about you all the time and am so happy that I got to share a little of my life with you. I hope to share more with you, but that is all in your hands now. I know only that I will love you better and more deeply than any other man ever will or can.
I love you forever and I'll always be here for you,
B
Today was a sad day, because I had to give my kids back to their mom. I'm always amazed at how quiet it is when they are gone. They light up my life, and give me a reason for being. I'm so grateful that I have them. They surely are my inspiration, along with you, my TAG.
An interesting thing happened today. My 4 year old was looking at my phone, noticed a picture of you, and said, "Oh, that's TAG! Is that RS? Wait, no, that's EI! Can we go back there again? With TAG?" I patiently explained that maybe this summer we could go back there and make sand castles again, and if we were lucky that you, my TAG, would accompany us, but there is no promises on that account. It would be great if we could. We would all enjoy it, I'm sure.
Before we left, we had a little time, so we played pool on the pool table at my folks house. Those kids have so much energy and excitement! I wish I could bottle it up. I'd be a freaking millionaire. They were so good the whole time they were here at their grandparents. It was refreshing to see that maybe I have taught them some manners after all.
So I hauled them up to TF to deliver them to their mother. They all fell asleep on the ride. I was jealous. If only I could sleep too! Ah well. It was so nice to see their precious faces as they slept. They truly are angels and I do love them so very much.
After that I just went to the school to do some homework, I had to use the on-campus computer lab because they are the only ones that have the software program I need for my stats class. It's a big pain in the butt to have to do that, so I guess that's why they do it. After I did my homework, I just came home, finished my laundry, and got ready to go back to school tomorrow.
I'm tired tonight, my TAG. Physically exhausted. I hope that I can at least sleep a little bit tonight. I love you and miss you and hope that you are happy and well. I think about you all the time and am so happy that I got to share a little of my life with you. I hope to share more with you, but that is all in your hands now. I know only that I will love you better and more deeply than any other man ever will or can.
I love you forever and I'll always be here for you,
B
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Sunday
My dearest TAG,
Hello, my love. I hope your weekend has been well, that you are rested and ready for another week. I know that you enjoy your weekends and getting rest, and I surely hope that you were able to get some this weekend. You deserve it for sure.
Today has been another crazy mix of emotions for me. I was so angry this morning, that I yelled out loud while I was in the shower. Mainly I was angry at myself, for waiting so long to be frank with you and with myself about my emotions. I should have told you ages ago how I really felt and been honest about it. But I couldn't even be honest with myself at that point. I was fighting so hard against my true emotions and true feelings that I confused myself thoroughly. Now, however, everything is clear. I do love you. I always will. If you can find it in your heart to forgive me, and if you feel that it is worth it to, you can always come back to me. I've told you that before and I mean it. At any time, no questions asked, nothing expected. You will be welcomed back with open arms, and invited fully into my life for the first time. I hope that doesn't scare you off.
Anyway, today I was thinking about how beautiful you truly are. You are one of the very few women I have ever met that looks equally sexy in your little bikinis (very hot, by the way), dressed to the nines in a sexy dress and heels like you were for your birthday or in Vegas, hair pulled back in a ponytail and wearing jeans and sneakers and a sweatshirt to go to work, or all dolled up to go out dancing, even when you were just lounging around your house in pj pants and a tank top, you were dazzling, very intoxicating, and just downright beautiful. I think it would be impossible for you to ever be anything but gorgeous! I love that about you. The wallpaper on my phone is set to a picture of you at the beach we went to last summer, you remember that? We built sand castles and went swimming and even dunked each other for good measure. That was a good time.
Speaking of good times and your birthday, I think back on it and I'm pretty sure that I got that one right, at least. I remember how you looked when I picked you up, and even though I was running just a little late, at least I remembered to reserve the restaurant. I even had the foresight to pick up one of your friends and her fiance. I did that one right, didn't I? I'm pretty sure that entire day was almost perfect. I felt so anyway, and you know why I felt that way? Because I was giving of myself to you, my TAG. I just wish that I had made every day that way instead of just that one special day.
So, today ended up decent after all. My kids know just when I need little hugs, and they provided them all day to me. I realized as well that I am a person of worth, that what happened isn't necessarily the measure of me as a man, although I would like to hold onto that and continually beat myself up about what I did and said. I'm not saying that I am absolving myself of any guilt, rather that I am realizing the man that I am, the man you always saw, and the man that you deserve. I promise to become that man. I hope that you will join me on this journey, my TAG, because there are some amazing things that we can do and see and experience together. Like I said before, many of my good memories have you in them, and I want all my good memories in the future to have you in them as well.
So, my TAG, I leave you once again. I do love you and I do miss you and I promise again that I will always be here for you, sending my love out across the miles and the space between us. You need never feel alone or unloved, for you are always with me in my heart and in my thoughts, and my love is sufficient to cross the boundaries that may separate us. I know you feel my love radiating out to you. It will always be thus.
I composed a poem for you. I will post it tomorrow in a separate posting. For now just know that you are the queen of my world, I have already begun treating you as such and will continue to for the rest of my life.
I love you always,
B
Hello, my love. I hope your weekend has been well, that you are rested and ready for another week. I know that you enjoy your weekends and getting rest, and I surely hope that you were able to get some this weekend. You deserve it for sure.
Today has been another crazy mix of emotions for me. I was so angry this morning, that I yelled out loud while I was in the shower. Mainly I was angry at myself, for waiting so long to be frank with you and with myself about my emotions. I should have told you ages ago how I really felt and been honest about it. But I couldn't even be honest with myself at that point. I was fighting so hard against my true emotions and true feelings that I confused myself thoroughly. Now, however, everything is clear. I do love you. I always will. If you can find it in your heart to forgive me, and if you feel that it is worth it to, you can always come back to me. I've told you that before and I mean it. At any time, no questions asked, nothing expected. You will be welcomed back with open arms, and invited fully into my life for the first time. I hope that doesn't scare you off.
Anyway, today I was thinking about how beautiful you truly are. You are one of the very few women I have ever met that looks equally sexy in your little bikinis (very hot, by the way), dressed to the nines in a sexy dress and heels like you were for your birthday or in Vegas, hair pulled back in a ponytail and wearing jeans and sneakers and a sweatshirt to go to work, or all dolled up to go out dancing, even when you were just lounging around your house in pj pants and a tank top, you were dazzling, very intoxicating, and just downright beautiful. I think it would be impossible for you to ever be anything but gorgeous! I love that about you. The wallpaper on my phone is set to a picture of you at the beach we went to last summer, you remember that? We built sand castles and went swimming and even dunked each other for good measure. That was a good time.
Speaking of good times and your birthday, I think back on it and I'm pretty sure that I got that one right, at least. I remember how you looked when I picked you up, and even though I was running just a little late, at least I remembered to reserve the restaurant. I even had the foresight to pick up one of your friends and her fiance. I did that one right, didn't I? I'm pretty sure that entire day was almost perfect. I felt so anyway, and you know why I felt that way? Because I was giving of myself to you, my TAG. I just wish that I had made every day that way instead of just that one special day.
So, today ended up decent after all. My kids know just when I need little hugs, and they provided them all day to me. I realized as well that I am a person of worth, that what happened isn't necessarily the measure of me as a man, although I would like to hold onto that and continually beat myself up about what I did and said. I'm not saying that I am absolving myself of any guilt, rather that I am realizing the man that I am, the man you always saw, and the man that you deserve. I promise to become that man. I hope that you will join me on this journey, my TAG, because there are some amazing things that we can do and see and experience together. Like I said before, many of my good memories have you in them, and I want all my good memories in the future to have you in them as well.
So, my TAG, I leave you once again. I do love you and I do miss you and I promise again that I will always be here for you, sending my love out across the miles and the space between us. You need never feel alone or unloved, for you are always with me in my heart and in my thoughts, and my love is sufficient to cross the boundaries that may separate us. I know you feel my love radiating out to you. It will always be thus.
I composed a poem for you. I will post it tomorrow in a separate posting. For now just know that you are the queen of my world, I have already begun treating you as such and will continue to for the rest of my life.
I love you always,
B
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Saturday!
My dearest TAG, my love,
I don't really know how to describe today. It was odd, to say the least. But first, I gotta talk about last night, Friday night.
We had a birthday party for my dad, hard to believe that the old fella is going to turn 63 this year. We had the party a little early so that my kids could participate with the other grandkids that live in the area, since they were down here for the weekend. We had a good old time, grandma made the kids pizza and there was salad and coolaid and Jello Jigglers. There always seems to be a lot of food around when my family gets together.
After everyone ate and we had cake and ice cream and opened presents, the adults sat around and talked. Of course the conversation turned to you. I tried to explain the circumstances regarding our current situation, but it was difficult. I didn't really know what to say when my sister-in-law asked when she was going to be able to meet my girlfriend. I told her that we aren't together right now, but that if when we get back together, I will certainly make sure that the entire family gets to meet her. So they are put on warning. They will meet you, as soon as I get you back. I hope that they get that opportunity.
My sister also expressed her concern that maybe waiting for you wouldn't be such a good idea. She was being fairly negative, and I put her in her place. I told her you were the most amazing woman I had ever met, that I had never felt about anyone this way before, and that you inspired me to be a better man. That is the truth, my TAG, and I hope one day to be able to prove that to you.
After I put the kids to bed, I tried to watch a movie, but I was so tired, I was falling asleep. I kept drifting off, and snapping back. I should have just gave up, but I couldn't. I had too many things on my mind. So I stayed up, then finally crashed around midnight. I dropped off the face of the earth. I slept hard til about 5, then I woke wide up, thinking about you, of course. I had some weird dreams too. Strange.
So I was inextricably sad all morning long. I couldn't understand why. When I went on my run I was thinking about those days we spent in Las Vegas, how we had some good times. Then I started thinking about how I hurt your feelings. Especially that last afternoon at Circus Circus, and I couldn't help it. I started crying, while I was running down the road. It does seem that I ruined almost every good memory by being a major butt head. I'm so sorry, my TAG, for doing that. I don't understand why. You were always wonderful, and I was not. You gave 100% all the time, and I gave just about 5%. On a good day. I so want the chance to be able to give you 100% of me, and I promise that if you give me another chance, that is what you will get. 100% of me 100% of the time. I know that I can win your trust again, my TAG, if you give me the chance. And I know it may not happen tomorrow, or the next day, or next week. But I hope that soon enough you will look in your heart, and you will see me standing there. I will still be here, where you can find me.
Music has become a great help to me too, particularly three songs. The first is "Whatever It Takes" by Lifehouse. It is a great song, it deals with a man who has let his love down, and promises to do whatever it takes to make things right. That is how I feel. I will do whatever it takes. If you give me a chance, I'll do what it takes to make it right. The other song is "Come Back to Me" by David Cook. I just like the thought that this guy also is willing to wait for whatever his girl needs til she comes back to him. The third is "On Bended Knee" by Boyz II Men. I so want you back, my TAG. Every day this desire grows stronger, not weaker.
I love you, my TAG. I will do what it takes to be the man you deserve, and to prove that to you. I know that you feel the same, and that one day we will be together. I love you so much. I will do whatever it takes to prove to you that I do, and I will always be here for you.
Love, always,
B
I don't really know how to describe today. It was odd, to say the least. But first, I gotta talk about last night, Friday night.
We had a birthday party for my dad, hard to believe that the old fella is going to turn 63 this year. We had the party a little early so that my kids could participate with the other grandkids that live in the area, since they were down here for the weekend. We had a good old time, grandma made the kids pizza and there was salad and coolaid and Jello Jigglers. There always seems to be a lot of food around when my family gets together.
After everyone ate and we had cake and ice cream and opened presents, the adults sat around and talked. Of course the conversation turned to you. I tried to explain the circumstances regarding our current situation, but it was difficult. I didn't really know what to say when my sister-in-law asked when she was going to be able to meet my girlfriend. I told her that we aren't together right now, but that if when we get back together, I will certainly make sure that the entire family gets to meet her. So they are put on warning. They will meet you, as soon as I get you back. I hope that they get that opportunity.
My sister also expressed her concern that maybe waiting for you wouldn't be such a good idea. She was being fairly negative, and I put her in her place. I told her you were the most amazing woman I had ever met, that I had never felt about anyone this way before, and that you inspired me to be a better man. That is the truth, my TAG, and I hope one day to be able to prove that to you.
After I put the kids to bed, I tried to watch a movie, but I was so tired, I was falling asleep. I kept drifting off, and snapping back. I should have just gave up, but I couldn't. I had too many things on my mind. So I stayed up, then finally crashed around midnight. I dropped off the face of the earth. I slept hard til about 5, then I woke wide up, thinking about you, of course. I had some weird dreams too. Strange.
So I was inextricably sad all morning long. I couldn't understand why. When I went on my run I was thinking about those days we spent in Las Vegas, how we had some good times. Then I started thinking about how I hurt your feelings. Especially that last afternoon at Circus Circus, and I couldn't help it. I started crying, while I was running down the road. It does seem that I ruined almost every good memory by being a major butt head. I'm so sorry, my TAG, for doing that. I don't understand why. You were always wonderful, and I was not. You gave 100% all the time, and I gave just about 5%. On a good day. I so want the chance to be able to give you 100% of me, and I promise that if you give me another chance, that is what you will get. 100% of me 100% of the time. I know that I can win your trust again, my TAG, if you give me the chance. And I know it may not happen tomorrow, or the next day, or next week. But I hope that soon enough you will look in your heart, and you will see me standing there. I will still be here, where you can find me.
Music has become a great help to me too, particularly three songs. The first is "Whatever It Takes" by Lifehouse. It is a great song, it deals with a man who has let his love down, and promises to do whatever it takes to make things right. That is how I feel. I will do whatever it takes. If you give me a chance, I'll do what it takes to make it right. The other song is "Come Back to Me" by David Cook. I just like the thought that this guy also is willing to wait for whatever his girl needs til she comes back to him. The third is "On Bended Knee" by Boyz II Men. I so want you back, my TAG. Every day this desire grows stronger, not weaker.
I love you, my TAG. I will do what it takes to be the man you deserve, and to prove that to you. I know that you feel the same, and that one day we will be together. I love you so much. I will do whatever it takes to prove to you that I do, and I will always be here for you.
Love, always,
B
Friday, February 18, 2011
Obsessed?
My dearest TAG, my love,
Someone that I am very close to told me today that my posts make me sound very obsessed and a little deranged. Well, I don't know about all that, but let me address these issues.
Am I obsessed with my TAG? I like to think that I am very much in love with her, hurting a little from her absence, and hurting even more because of the pain and suffering that I have caused her. My purpose in writing is solely to impress upon the minds of those who are reading that I do love her so very much, and that if given another chance I will take care of her and love her as she deserves to be loved.
Granted, I did go off the deep end there at the beginning, doing things that would not be credited to one with a sound mind. Did I really call her new boyfriend? Yup. I did that. I definitely did not have a sound mind on that one. But, I was grasping at straws, and didn't know what else to do. I guess I kind of wished that he would realize how much she means to me and would then give her leave to return to me. I know, I'm naive to think that any man, once he got to know my TAG, would not want her in his life. I know that when and if I ever get her back, I will never let her go for anyone else. I believe that I love her more than anyone could ever love her, and that she will not be happy unless she returns to me, that she might pretend to be, but deep in her heart she knows that we belong together.
So, no more obsessive posts. This started out as a way to tell my TAG about my day, and thoughts I had, basically the things I would say or text her if I had that opportunity. So I will continue on in this vein. I will no longer be melancholy or depressed, unless that is the main theme of the day.
Does this mean that the pain is gone? That I am on the healing path? Partially. I think the pain will stay with me for a long, long time, and that I will always remember how I feel with her gone. But every day is another opportunity to learn how to deal with it.
As far as dealing with it goes, I remember from Basic Training that it is important to use physical exercise as a deterrent to the emotional pain you may be suffering. So, I started back to training, lifting weights, plyometrics, running. I forgot how cleansing running can be. I do my best thinking then, and get a lot of things out of my system that might otherwise poison me. And the weight lifting and plyometrics and running, combined with the loss of appetite due to the emotional trauma and the fact that I didn't eat for several days have helped to start my body on the return to being, as one of my Army pals put it, "The Scariest Man on Earth." He said that because I'm a big guy to begin with, and as he said, "Usually we can outrun the big guys. We can't outrun you." I will get back to that point, then return to my TAG as tough and buff as I've ever been. Then when we go out, it will no longer be Beauty and the Beast, as I often thought of us when we went out together, but Beauty and the Hunk.
I love you, my TAG. I always will. I will always be here for you, regardless of the circumstances. There will never be a day go by that I don't think of you or yearn to be in your arms. The thought of your very presence fills my soul with joy. I know that we will be together, and will wait as long as necessary for that to happen. When the pain fades away, it will be replaced by the love that I send out through the space and miles between us.
I love you always,
B
Someone that I am very close to told me today that my posts make me sound very obsessed and a little deranged. Well, I don't know about all that, but let me address these issues.
Am I obsessed with my TAG? I like to think that I am very much in love with her, hurting a little from her absence, and hurting even more because of the pain and suffering that I have caused her. My purpose in writing is solely to impress upon the minds of those who are reading that I do love her so very much, and that if given another chance I will take care of her and love her as she deserves to be loved.
Granted, I did go off the deep end there at the beginning, doing things that would not be credited to one with a sound mind. Did I really call her new boyfriend? Yup. I did that. I definitely did not have a sound mind on that one. But, I was grasping at straws, and didn't know what else to do. I guess I kind of wished that he would realize how much she means to me and would then give her leave to return to me. I know, I'm naive to think that any man, once he got to know my TAG, would not want her in his life. I know that when and if I ever get her back, I will never let her go for anyone else. I believe that I love her more than anyone could ever love her, and that she will not be happy unless she returns to me, that she might pretend to be, but deep in her heart she knows that we belong together.
So, no more obsessive posts. This started out as a way to tell my TAG about my day, and thoughts I had, basically the things I would say or text her if I had that opportunity. So I will continue on in this vein. I will no longer be melancholy or depressed, unless that is the main theme of the day.
Does this mean that the pain is gone? That I am on the healing path? Partially. I think the pain will stay with me for a long, long time, and that I will always remember how I feel with her gone. But every day is another opportunity to learn how to deal with it.
As far as dealing with it goes, I remember from Basic Training that it is important to use physical exercise as a deterrent to the emotional pain you may be suffering. So, I started back to training, lifting weights, plyometrics, running. I forgot how cleansing running can be. I do my best thinking then, and get a lot of things out of my system that might otherwise poison me. And the weight lifting and plyometrics and running, combined with the loss of appetite due to the emotional trauma and the fact that I didn't eat for several days have helped to start my body on the return to being, as one of my Army pals put it, "The Scariest Man on Earth." He said that because I'm a big guy to begin with, and as he said, "Usually we can outrun the big guys. We can't outrun you." I will get back to that point, then return to my TAG as tough and buff as I've ever been. Then when we go out, it will no longer be Beauty and the Beast, as I often thought of us when we went out together, but Beauty and the Hunk.
I love you, my TAG. I always will. I will always be here for you, regardless of the circumstances. There will never be a day go by that I don't think of you or yearn to be in your arms. The thought of your very presence fills my soul with joy. I know that we will be together, and will wait as long as necessary for that to happen. When the pain fades away, it will be replaced by the love that I send out through the space and miles between us.
I love you always,
B
Friday
Dear TAG,
Today is Friday. Normally a day that we would spend part of the evening together once we both had our kids. Unfortunately, this weekend I am staying in Btown, which is 300 miles away, as we both know. I wish that I had taken the initiative earlier to talk to my folks about you, maybe you could have come down with your kids and we could have had a good time here together.
Alas, it was not meant to be, apparently. I've realized over the course of the last few days that there are certain steps, certain measures I could have taken long ago to alleviate the pain and suffering that we are both experiencing. I was a coward. I hid from myself for so long, compartmentalized my life, keeping certain things apart from other things, and refusing to recognize the fact that I was hurting everyone around me. I also neglected to realize that our relationship went beyond the boundaries of you and me. There were other people involved, our children, our parents, our friends. I let all of them down, hurt all of them by hurting you, and now I must answer to all of them.
These letters are also an attempt to do that. To apologize to all involved. To any affected, I am truly sorry. I do love my TAG, more than I have ever loved anyone ever. I believe that we have what it takes to make the other better. I know that my TAG has made me want to not be just a better boyfriend or lover or future husband, but also a better man, a better brother, a better father, a better son. I want to be a better person all the way around, and my TAG has inspired that in me. Thank you for that.
I want to assure you that you will always be that inspiration for me. Regardless of what may happen in our lives, you will always be my inspiration. I will draw my last breath knowing that I have loved you deeper and more meaningfully than I have loved anybody ever. My love reaches beyond all realms of space and time.
I was thinking today about Sir Lancelot and Lady Guinevere. Sir Lancelot loved Lady Guinevere more than life itself. He rode into battle with her emblem always on him. He composed love poems and love letters to her, and dedicated his entire life to her, to her memory, to his love for her, and to the ideal that she bred in him, the desire to be a better man. The only problem was that Lady Guinevere belonged to King Arthur. She was his wife, but Sir Lancelot's love transcended that.
It is not a good example for us, I don't think. Sir Lancelot lived his life with his love unrequited. He never got the Lady Guinevere. But his love is an example for me. I promise with all my heart, soul, and strength that I will love you like that. I will forever love you. I will give up everything I have to be with you. I will live my life as a tribute to our love. My love for you will shine through in everything I do. I'm sorry that I hurt you, my TAG. More sorry than you will ever know. I will live with the knowledge that I hurt you as well, but I will let my love for you overpower that sorrow. I will hold on for as long as I have to.
I love you, my TAG. There is nothing that I wouldn't do for you. I know I broke your trust and that trust may take a very long time to be put back together. But I also know that we can build it again. Together, we can do anything. Please give us a chance for this.
I love you always and forever
B
Today is Friday. Normally a day that we would spend part of the evening together once we both had our kids. Unfortunately, this weekend I am staying in Btown, which is 300 miles away, as we both know. I wish that I had taken the initiative earlier to talk to my folks about you, maybe you could have come down with your kids and we could have had a good time here together.
Alas, it was not meant to be, apparently. I've realized over the course of the last few days that there are certain steps, certain measures I could have taken long ago to alleviate the pain and suffering that we are both experiencing. I was a coward. I hid from myself for so long, compartmentalized my life, keeping certain things apart from other things, and refusing to recognize the fact that I was hurting everyone around me. I also neglected to realize that our relationship went beyond the boundaries of you and me. There were other people involved, our children, our parents, our friends. I let all of them down, hurt all of them by hurting you, and now I must answer to all of them.
These letters are also an attempt to do that. To apologize to all involved. To any affected, I am truly sorry. I do love my TAG, more than I have ever loved anyone ever. I believe that we have what it takes to make the other better. I know that my TAG has made me want to not be just a better boyfriend or lover or future husband, but also a better man, a better brother, a better father, a better son. I want to be a better person all the way around, and my TAG has inspired that in me. Thank you for that.
I want to assure you that you will always be that inspiration for me. Regardless of what may happen in our lives, you will always be my inspiration. I will draw my last breath knowing that I have loved you deeper and more meaningfully than I have loved anybody ever. My love reaches beyond all realms of space and time.
I was thinking today about Sir Lancelot and Lady Guinevere. Sir Lancelot loved Lady Guinevere more than life itself. He rode into battle with her emblem always on him. He composed love poems and love letters to her, and dedicated his entire life to her, to her memory, to his love for her, and to the ideal that she bred in him, the desire to be a better man. The only problem was that Lady Guinevere belonged to King Arthur. She was his wife, but Sir Lancelot's love transcended that.
It is not a good example for us, I don't think. Sir Lancelot lived his life with his love unrequited. He never got the Lady Guinevere. But his love is an example for me. I promise with all my heart, soul, and strength that I will love you like that. I will forever love you. I will give up everything I have to be with you. I will live my life as a tribute to our love. My love for you will shine through in everything I do. I'm sorry that I hurt you, my TAG. More sorry than you will ever know. I will live with the knowledge that I hurt you as well, but I will let my love for you overpower that sorrow. I will hold on for as long as I have to.
I love you, my TAG. There is nothing that I wouldn't do for you. I know I broke your trust and that trust may take a very long time to be put back together. But I also know that we can build it again. Together, we can do anything. Please give us a chance for this.
I love you always and forever
B
Missing you
Dear TAG,
I hope that you know, at all times, and in all places, that I am loving you and missing you. If you ever feel down, or lonely, you don't need to. You are always in my heart. Chances are that I am thinking about you that very minute. I think of you all the time.
Love always,
B
I hope that you know, at all times, and in all places, that I am loving you and missing you. If you ever feel down, or lonely, you don't need to. You are always in my heart. Chances are that I am thinking about you that very minute. I think of you all the time.
Love always,
B
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Children
Dear TAG,
Tonight I picked up my children. Because I had informed their mother already about my intentions toward you, she took it upon herself to tell my kids. I then had to explain to my kids what was going on, how we were not together anymore, but if I were lucky and blessed enough to be with you again, that we were going to make you a permanent part of our family. Two of my kids were stoked about that. My oldest boy balked a little. He wasn't too sure that was a good idea.
About halfway through the ride to their grandparent's house, my oldest boy asked if that meant that TAG's kids were going to be his step-siblings. That if you and I got married, my TAG, that your children would then be his step-brother and step-sister. He was very excited when I said "Yes." He got even more excited when I told him that we would probably be moving into a house, and out of the crummy trailer I now occupy.
So, my kids are on board. The ex, well that's another story. I don't anticipate any problems from her, but I think that she might be very openly not too friendly towards both of us for a while. Towards me definitely. I informed all parties that this wasn't for sure yet, that you, my TAG, were not with me and maybe never would be again. But the kids are on board, and ready to handle whatever it may be that happens.
I've accepted that what will be, will be. I can't force you back into my arms. I can assure you that I will always love you, no matter how far away I am or if I never get to see you again. I will always be here for you. But I'm giving you your space and letting you take care of whatever it is you need to. If by chance in the future you feel like contacting me, please do. I will always have an ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on, and arms ready to hold you forever. I love you so much.
Please take good care of yourself. Know that I love you. I will continue to write to you everyday, and will think of you every minute, and will hope and pray with every thing that is in me that we may be together someday, somehow, some way. That we can become the loving family that I want so bad, and that I'm pretty sure you want as well.
Sleep well, my love. I will dream of us together, for in my dreams we are together, happy and joyful.
I love you always
B
Tonight I picked up my children. Because I had informed their mother already about my intentions toward you, she took it upon herself to tell my kids. I then had to explain to my kids what was going on, how we were not together anymore, but if I were lucky and blessed enough to be with you again, that we were going to make you a permanent part of our family. Two of my kids were stoked about that. My oldest boy balked a little. He wasn't too sure that was a good idea.
About halfway through the ride to their grandparent's house, my oldest boy asked if that meant that TAG's kids were going to be his step-siblings. That if you and I got married, my TAG, that your children would then be his step-brother and step-sister. He was very excited when I said "Yes." He got even more excited when I told him that we would probably be moving into a house, and out of the crummy trailer I now occupy.
So, my kids are on board. The ex, well that's another story. I don't anticipate any problems from her, but I think that she might be very openly not too friendly towards both of us for a while. Towards me definitely. I informed all parties that this wasn't for sure yet, that you, my TAG, were not with me and maybe never would be again. But the kids are on board, and ready to handle whatever it may be that happens.
I've accepted that what will be, will be. I can't force you back into my arms. I can assure you that I will always love you, no matter how far away I am or if I never get to see you again. I will always be here for you. But I'm giving you your space and letting you take care of whatever it is you need to. If by chance in the future you feel like contacting me, please do. I will always have an ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on, and arms ready to hold you forever. I love you so much.
Please take good care of yourself. Know that I love you. I will continue to write to you everyday, and will think of you every minute, and will hope and pray with every thing that is in me that we may be together someday, somehow, some way. That we can become the loving family that I want so bad, and that I'm pretty sure you want as well.
Sleep well, my love. I will dream of us together, for in my dreams we are together, happy and joyful.
I love you always
B
We talked for almost an hour!
Well, my TAG texted me today, she apologized for the boys that had texted me from her phone a few nights ago. They were telling me to stop texting and that she didn't like me anymore and to leave her alone. I told them that I would, and that she could contact me if she would like. So she texted me when she was on her way to work today. I guess she read all my crazy emails, and still doesn't think I'm totally looney.
In any case, I decided to call her and talk to her. It was so good to hear her voice. I had kind of a rough morning, so this was like soothing salve to my soul. We had a very good discussion, I think. I'm pretty sure she knows now that I will ALWAYS be there for her. It was the best talk that we've had in months, so I was happy about that. We even discussed logistics of getting back together a little. I am floating right now. I am so ecstatic. I know that we are not back together, that there are issues to work out, I just hope that the people that will be yapping in her ear won't drown out the sounds of her own heart. I hope that she will realize that she does love me, as she said when we parted.
I am so in love with you, TAG. You're the queen of my world. I will spend the rest of my life living so as to prove to you that I am true. I will make you happier than anyone else in the world could. I know you know this, as I know it. So please, come back home. I am here, and I will be here for as long as it takes.
I love you TAG
Always and forever
B
In any case, I decided to call her and talk to her. It was so good to hear her voice. I had kind of a rough morning, so this was like soothing salve to my soul. We had a very good discussion, I think. I'm pretty sure she knows now that I will ALWAYS be there for her. It was the best talk that we've had in months, so I was happy about that. We even discussed logistics of getting back together a little. I am floating right now. I am so ecstatic. I know that we are not back together, that there are issues to work out, I just hope that the people that will be yapping in her ear won't drown out the sounds of her own heart. I hope that she will realize that she does love me, as she said when we parted.
I am so in love with you, TAG. You're the queen of my world. I will spend the rest of my life living so as to prove to you that I am true. I will make you happier than anyone else in the world could. I know you know this, as I know it. So please, come back home. I am here, and I will be here for as long as it takes.
I love you TAG
Always and forever
B
Thursday
Dear TAG,
Here it is Thursday, it's 5:30 a.m., and this is the first night that I actually slept longer than 3 hours in a row since Friday night. I also ate a real meal last night for the first time since Saturday afternoon. It seems like I'm coping a little bit better for the time being. I still have instances, little things will happen, and the whole world comes crashing down on me again. For example, the other morning I was thinking about the day after Christmas for some reason, how we cuddled up on the couch all day long, just me and you, and shut the world out for a while. What a wonderful day that was. I wish I could have some more days like that. I miss you so much, the touch of your hand, the way you would look into my eyes, your beautiful blue eyes penetrating my soul. Whether you want to believe it now or not, you could always touch my soul. Being with you helped me realize I do have a soul, that I wasn't just another lost person.
Please come back to me, so that we can start on lots of other memories. I know it won't be anytime soon, the pain is still to easy to see through the messages you leave me on facebook. I know I hurt you over over, but the hurting is over. I only want us to be happy. I guess that if you think you're better off with this new guy that I should just back off. But I want you to know that I will always be here for you. Should anything ever happen, you can call, I will come running. I will drop everything in an instant and come to be by your side. I will take you in, protect you, shelter you, and above all, love you. I think that in spite of the things that I did, we can overcome them together. Together we can do anything.
I have changed, my TAG. I am not the same person. This experience has torn me down to my foundation, and I am now building anew. I want you to be the foreman for this project. I want you to be right there with me, helping me change and helping me live life. I want this life for us so bad, and I will never give up. I will NEVER give up. Even if it should take a hundred years, I will show you how much you mean to me, because you mean more than the world to me.
Through the heartache that I have experienced, music has been the one thing that I have turned to over and over again to help soothe my savaged soul. Please listen to your music, think of me, and come back to me. I will make you the happiest woman in the world.
Love always and forever
B
Here it is Thursday, it's 5:30 a.m., and this is the first night that I actually slept longer than 3 hours in a row since Friday night. I also ate a real meal last night for the first time since Saturday afternoon. It seems like I'm coping a little bit better for the time being. I still have instances, little things will happen, and the whole world comes crashing down on me again. For example, the other morning I was thinking about the day after Christmas for some reason, how we cuddled up on the couch all day long, just me and you, and shut the world out for a while. What a wonderful day that was. I wish I could have some more days like that. I miss you so much, the touch of your hand, the way you would look into my eyes, your beautiful blue eyes penetrating my soul. Whether you want to believe it now or not, you could always touch my soul. Being with you helped me realize I do have a soul, that I wasn't just another lost person.
Please come back to me, so that we can start on lots of other memories. I know it won't be anytime soon, the pain is still to easy to see through the messages you leave me on facebook. I know I hurt you over over, but the hurting is over. I only want us to be happy. I guess that if you think you're better off with this new guy that I should just back off. But I want you to know that I will always be here for you. Should anything ever happen, you can call, I will come running. I will drop everything in an instant and come to be by your side. I will take you in, protect you, shelter you, and above all, love you. I think that in spite of the things that I did, we can overcome them together. Together we can do anything.
I have changed, my TAG. I am not the same person. This experience has torn me down to my foundation, and I am now building anew. I want you to be the foreman for this project. I want you to be right there with me, helping me change and helping me live life. I want this life for us so bad, and I will never give up. I will NEVER give up. Even if it should take a hundred years, I will show you how much you mean to me, because you mean more than the world to me.
Through the heartache that I have experienced, music has been the one thing that I have turned to over and over again to help soothe my savaged soul. Please listen to your music, think of me, and come back to me. I will make you the happiest woman in the world.
Love always and forever
B
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
The last crazy email, titled "Final"
This email was sent after her new boyfriend son texted me on her phone (the one I was still paying for) and told me to leave her alone, she was with her dad now and they were happy, I was a dick, etc. He also called himself her other son. Are you kidding me? They've been together a week and you're calling yourself her son? Wow. Delusional much? I mean, this can't be normal, can it? Or maybe it's just my hurt feelings showing. I don't know, maybe I just need some outside input on this. In any case, here's the email.
Dear TAG,
This is the final email I will send you. Does this mean I'm giving up? No. It just means that I will no longer actively try to interfere, which is apparently all I've been doing. But for me it was only doing everything I could in my power to win back the best thing that had happened in my life, outside the birth of my children. I understand you have a brand new family that welcomed you in with open arms, but they're not your real family. When you're ready, we will be too. You can come back anytime. You know how to find me, I'm not running away. I merely realize that I keep repeating myself, and I've said the most important things. I love you. I always will. You can come back at any time, no questions asked, and I will fall all over myself to treat you the way I should have from the very beginning. Please don't forget the great times. I look at the pictures of us from Vegas, and we make an amazing couple. I'm sorry I didn't realize it from the beginning. I guess you don't know what you got til it's gone. I will think of you everyday. It's 1:30 in the morning here, I have slept about 8 hours total since Saturday, and haven't eaten since then. This is how you affect me. I will always have a place for you in my heart, there is no one that can fill that. Please be happy.
All my love
Your Big Poppa
B
Dear TAG,
This is the final email I will send you. Does this mean I'm giving up? No. It just means that I will no longer actively try to interfere, which is apparently all I've been doing. But for me it was only doing everything I could in my power to win back the best thing that had happened in my life, outside the birth of my children. I understand you have a brand new family that welcomed you in with open arms, but they're not your real family. When you're ready, we will be too. You can come back anytime. You know how to find me, I'm not running away. I merely realize that I keep repeating myself, and I've said the most important things. I love you. I always will. You can come back at any time, no questions asked, and I will fall all over myself to treat you the way I should have from the very beginning. Please don't forget the great times. I look at the pictures of us from Vegas, and we make an amazing couple. I'm sorry I didn't realize it from the beginning. I guess you don't know what you got til it's gone. I will think of you everyday. It's 1:30 in the morning here, I have slept about 8 hours total since Saturday, and haven't eaten since then. This is how you affect me. I will always have a place for you in my heart, there is no one that can fill that. Please be happy.
All my love
Your Big Poppa
B
The fourth crazy email, titled "Tuesday"
Dear TAG,
It's Tuesday, so here's your email. I'm really going to try and contain myself to one a day, but I don't know if I can manage that. I woke up at 4 a.m. after 3 hours of sleep today. Yeah, I can't sleep. At all. I hold Teddy in your favorite spot, but it's just not the same. That spot will never belong to another, I'm going to get your initials engraved on it. I'm so sorry for the pain and the hurt that I've caused, and I know it's all my fault, and I wouldn't blame you for never wanting to be with me again. I can, however, guarantee that if you do, I will make you the happiest woman alive, and will adore you like you deserve to be adored. Please don't give up on me. I know I want to be with you forever.
I did something else crazy today. I called J (the new boyfriend, told y'all I went a little bit crazy). I just felt like telling him thank you and to take care of you since I can't. He sounds like a good guy. I hope he makes you happy, but I know he will never make you as happy as I could. I know that. We belong together, and I will be here for you forever. There will never be a time or circumstance that could turn me away. Even if I never see you again, I will die with you as my true love. But I hope it doesn't come to that, for I love you more than life itself. I want you to know my family, I want them to fall in love with you too, then I want to marry you and have you as my wife. I'm sorry it took this to convince me, but it did. And I am. I will never again put you on the back burner or treat you as less than the wonderful woman that you are. Thank you for loving me, and for teaching me how to love. You did it, and I was just too much of a fool to realize it at the time.
Baby, please come back. I just want you in my arms again.
Love,
Always and forever,
B
It's Tuesday, so here's your email. I'm really going to try and contain myself to one a day, but I don't know if I can manage that. I woke up at 4 a.m. after 3 hours of sleep today. Yeah, I can't sleep. At all. I hold Teddy in your favorite spot, but it's just not the same. That spot will never belong to another, I'm going to get your initials engraved on it. I'm so sorry for the pain and the hurt that I've caused, and I know it's all my fault, and I wouldn't blame you for never wanting to be with me again. I can, however, guarantee that if you do, I will make you the happiest woman alive, and will adore you like you deserve to be adored. Please don't give up on me. I know I want to be with you forever.
I did something else crazy today. I called J (the new boyfriend, told y'all I went a little bit crazy). I just felt like telling him thank you and to take care of you since I can't. He sounds like a good guy. I hope he makes you happy, but I know he will never make you as happy as I could. I know that. We belong together, and I will be here for you forever. There will never be a time or circumstance that could turn me away. Even if I never see you again, I will die with you as my true love. But I hope it doesn't come to that, for I love you more than life itself. I want you to know my family, I want them to fall in love with you too, then I want to marry you and have you as my wife. I'm sorry it took this to convince me, but it did. And I am. I will never again put you on the back burner or treat you as less than the wonderful woman that you are. Thank you for loving me, and for teaching me how to love. You did it, and I was just too much of a fool to realize it at the time.
Baby, please come back. I just want you in my arms again.
Love,
Always and forever,
B
The third crazy email titled "Parents"
Dear TAG,
I had a long talk with my parents tonight about you. I don't know why it took me so long to do it. I should have done it a year ago. I let my own fear get in the way of our happiness, and I am so sorry. I know about your new boyfriend, that you moved in with him and everything. I am sorry I forced you to feel you needed to do something like that. I love you. I always will. My parents hope to be able to meet you someday. I hope you can do that too. I told them that I want to marry you. I do want to marry you TAG. I want to make you the happiest woman alive, and I know I can do that. I think you know it too. You can come back to me. I have a truck, and we can move you out just as easily as you moved in. You can live with me. We'll find a bigger place. Together we can do anything. You asked me the other day why now, why I was realizing all this now when you had made the decisions to move on. I didn't realize how much you meant to me until you were gone. Then I realized that not only was I losing my best friend in the whole world, the one person I share everything with, but that I was losing the woman I love more than life itself. But you didn't even give me an opportunity to realize that. It wasn't even a week, TAG. This guy can't possibly love or care about you the way that I do, and he damn sure doesn't respect you if he's moving you in with him less than a week later. I will fight tooth and nail for you. I will not let you go. Please, please call or email or text or something. I know we can work this out. I know you know we can work this out, and we are great together. I will drop everything and run to be by your side. I love you just as much as I love my kids, and I will spend the rest of my life proving that to you. Please give me the opportunity to do that.
All my love,
B
I had a long talk with my parents tonight about you. I don't know why it took me so long to do it. I should have done it a year ago. I let my own fear get in the way of our happiness, and I am so sorry. I know about your new boyfriend, that you moved in with him and everything. I am sorry I forced you to feel you needed to do something like that. I love you. I always will. My parents hope to be able to meet you someday. I hope you can do that too. I told them that I want to marry you. I do want to marry you TAG. I want to make you the happiest woman alive, and I know I can do that. I think you know it too. You can come back to me. I have a truck, and we can move you out just as easily as you moved in. You can live with me. We'll find a bigger place. Together we can do anything. You asked me the other day why now, why I was realizing all this now when you had made the decisions to move on. I didn't realize how much you meant to me until you were gone. Then I realized that not only was I losing my best friend in the whole world, the one person I share everything with, but that I was losing the woman I love more than life itself. But you didn't even give me an opportunity to realize that. It wasn't even a week, TAG. This guy can't possibly love or care about you the way that I do, and he damn sure doesn't respect you if he's moving you in with him less than a week later. I will fight tooth and nail for you. I will not let you go. Please, please call or email or text or something. I know we can work this out. I know you know we can work this out, and we are great together. I will drop everything and run to be by your side. I love you just as much as I love my kids, and I will spend the rest of my life proving that to you. Please give me the opportunity to do that.
All my love,
B
The second crazy email, titled "Monday"
Dear TAG,
I decided since I can't text you and tell you about my day that I would do this instead. Today was better than yesterday. Yesterday I felt as if a hole had been punched right through the center of me. Today, that hole is still there, but I understand it better. I'm sorry you felt the need to rid me completely, to erase me from your life. That never crossed my mind. I don't want to live without you ever. You are so much more than just a friend, you're my lover, my BEST friend, and the most wonderful woman I have ever met, bar none. I realize now just what a fool I've been, and vow that if you ever let me back into your life, you will not regret it, for I shall worship the ground you walk on every hour of every day. I do love you. The lie was in me saying that I didn't love you. I was fighting myself the whole time, instead of diving in whole-heartedly as I should have. I will never let that happen again. Regardless of what may happen, you will be the only one I will love for the rest of my life. I will always be here for you. ALWAYS! Never forget that please. When you are ready, if you ever are, please come back, and I will do what I need to prove to you that my love is real.
Love always
B
I decided since I can't text you and tell you about my day that I would do this instead. Today was better than yesterday. Yesterday I felt as if a hole had been punched right through the center of me. Today, that hole is still there, but I understand it better. I'm sorry you felt the need to rid me completely, to erase me from your life. That never crossed my mind. I don't want to live without you ever. You are so much more than just a friend, you're my lover, my BEST friend, and the most wonderful woman I have ever met, bar none. I realize now just what a fool I've been, and vow that if you ever let me back into your life, you will not regret it, for I shall worship the ground you walk on every hour of every day. I do love you. The lie was in me saying that I didn't love you. I was fighting myself the whole time, instead of diving in whole-heartedly as I should have. I will never let that happen again. Regardless of what may happen, you will be the only one I will love for the rest of my life. I will always be here for you. ALWAYS! Never forget that please. When you are ready, if you ever are, please come back, and I will do what I need to prove to you that my love is real.
Love always
B
The first crazy email
Dear TAG,
I know you probably don't want to hear from me, but I really would like to talk to you. I neglected to realize several very important things when I told you that I only wanted to be friends, namely that you have become my best friend. I am so sorry for hurting you. I will do whatever it takes to prove to you that I do want to be with you, and I want you to be with me and a part of my life. I would like to do this in person, but I'm leaving tomorrow to go back to Btown, and I won't be back until the weekend after next. I know you're moving out and going somewhere else, if you don't want me to know where or don't want to talk to me anymore I completely understand. I just needed you to know that you are my best friend. Somehow that happened, I'm not sure when, and I can't believe that I treated my best friend the way that I did. Please know that I will always treasure our relationship, and will think always of how wonderful you are and were.
I'm so so sorry,
B
I know you probably don't want to hear from me, but I really would like to talk to you. I neglected to realize several very important things when I told you that I only wanted to be friends, namely that you have become my best friend. I am so sorry for hurting you. I will do whatever it takes to prove to you that I do want to be with you, and I want you to be with me and a part of my life. I would like to do this in person, but I'm leaving tomorrow to go back to Btown, and I won't be back until the weekend after next. I know you're moving out and going somewhere else, if you don't want me to know where or don't want to talk to me anymore I completely understand. I just needed you to know that you are my best friend. Somehow that happened, I'm not sure when, and I can't believe that I treated my best friend the way that I did. Please know that I will always treasure our relationship, and will think always of how wonderful you are and were.
I'm so so sorry,
B
The break up
So, that's the story of how we met. This is the story of the breakup. I will condense it down to the nuts and bolts, the intricate details aren't necessary. What it comes down to is the fact that I was afraid to fully commit. I had issues with commitment, and instead of facing them head-on, I avoided them. I skirted real relationships and tried not to get involved in them.
So, we had been together on and off about a year and 3 months, and I told her that I wasn't sure I wanted to be with her anymore. We had gone through this several times before, and each time I had decided that life with her was better than life without her, yet still I was afraid to fully commit. I asked her to give me 3 months to decide what I wanted to do. I knew that I was being very unfair, and that what I was asking was not right to do, but I thought that because she loved me so much, she would do it. She agreed, but very hesitantly, and I knew then this probably wouldn't end good. We continued to see each other, hang out with each other's family, and to do things together. Then one night, we were supposed to get together for pizza and movie night, and my kids decided they would rather stay at home. I asked her if that was okay, and she said that she would rather we come to her house, it being a little larger.
One of the things that led me to ask her for some time was her insistence that we move in together. Even though financially it made sense, and we had a good rapport and were certain to get along well, I was scared. I was scared to make that big a commitment. So I told her no. If I had just moved in with her, and not cared what others would have thought about it, everything would be good now. Instead, I pushed her away.
So after I told her that we wouldn't be coming over for pizza and movie night to her house, because that was what my kids wished, she texted me and asked if we should just remain friends. I told her that I thought that was for the best. I was a little bit angry at her insistence that I and my four kids come over to her house when she only had two kids and they were more easily trasportable. This anger would prove my demise, because I told her that decision with that anger still brimming. We texted back and forth a little bit, and I thought that we were going to be okay.
That whole next week neither one of us texted the other. I thought I was being a gentleman and giving her some room to cool off, after which we would get back together and make up, which had been our routine the last few times this had happend. Oh, how wrong I was to be proven to be. When I got back into town the next Friday, I texted her, trying to make some arrangements for certain things. She never returned a message. I then phoned her, we had a joint telephone account, and her phone went straight to voicemail. She had told me she would get a new phone, I told her she could wait for a month or two, and keep the one she had, I would take care of the bill, no problem. Well, I knew immediately that something was wrong, because she always had her phone on, and it would not go immediately to voice mail if it was off.
So I headed over to her house, and using my key went inside. I noticed immediately that she was in the process of moving out. I put two and two together almost instantaneously, knowing that she was in the middle of removing me out of her life completely. Little did I know how prophetic this feeling would be.
Mind you, this is less than a week after our text conversation. Less than a week. I telephoned her friends, even her 14-year-old, trying to get anyone to tell me what was going on. I just wanted her to call me back, because she wasn't supposed to leave my life forever. She finally phoned me, and I told her I realized what a fool I'd been, that her not in my life left a gaping hole in my heart, that I loved her and wanted to be the man for her and would even marry her. I was ready to commit whole-heartedly. She asked my why I was doing it then, why when she had already taken the steps to erase me out of her life completely. I was devastated. She ended the conversation by saying that she would call me later.
I later found out that she had a new boyfriend. Less than a week later, and she had a new boyfriend. Oh, but that's not all. She was moving in with the new boyfriend! Yes! That's what she did. She was dating this guy less than a week, and moved in with him. What kind of a man does that? Noone of honor, in my opinion, but I don't know him. I do know her, and know that she did it only because I had hurt her so grievously. I, too, was wounded grievously, and wept for her and for her loss. Mainly I wept because of all the things I still wanted to say, that I thought I never would get a chance to say, and because I never got to say goodbye. I think that if I could see her one more time, that I could convince her that I was finally ready to make that commitment to her. Alas, it was not to be.
So, I went a little crazy. I started texting the phone that she still had that I was paying for. I called incessantly. I started writing her emails. I went insanely crazy, but it was the only way I had of pouring out my heart to her, letting her know what I was thinking, how I was feeling, the only way I had to try to convince her to come back home. I love her and just want my TAG to know that I will do anything for her, anything to hold her in my arms all night long, to make love to her, and to make her the happiest woman alive. I know that I, and I alone, can do this for her.
I love you, my TAG. I always will. I will always be here for you, regardless of how long it takes to win back your affections. I know right now you're only thinking about the bad things, the hard times, and the hurt. I hope that soon you will remember the good times, the fun times, the memories. I have so many amazing memories with you in them, and I want all my future memories to have you in them. This blog is my attempt not to inundate her email inbox with my pleadings, and a way for me to purge the heartache from my system. I know it will not be fully gone until my TAG is safely back in my arms, and I hope and pray that day comes. Whenever it does, I'll be ready and waiting with open arms, no questions asked.
I love you forever, my TAG.
So, we had been together on and off about a year and 3 months, and I told her that I wasn't sure I wanted to be with her anymore. We had gone through this several times before, and each time I had decided that life with her was better than life without her, yet still I was afraid to fully commit. I asked her to give me 3 months to decide what I wanted to do. I knew that I was being very unfair, and that what I was asking was not right to do, but I thought that because she loved me so much, she would do it. She agreed, but very hesitantly, and I knew then this probably wouldn't end good. We continued to see each other, hang out with each other's family, and to do things together. Then one night, we were supposed to get together for pizza and movie night, and my kids decided they would rather stay at home. I asked her if that was okay, and she said that she would rather we come to her house, it being a little larger.
One of the things that led me to ask her for some time was her insistence that we move in together. Even though financially it made sense, and we had a good rapport and were certain to get along well, I was scared. I was scared to make that big a commitment. So I told her no. If I had just moved in with her, and not cared what others would have thought about it, everything would be good now. Instead, I pushed her away.
So after I told her that we wouldn't be coming over for pizza and movie night to her house, because that was what my kids wished, she texted me and asked if we should just remain friends. I told her that I thought that was for the best. I was a little bit angry at her insistence that I and my four kids come over to her house when she only had two kids and they were more easily trasportable. This anger would prove my demise, because I told her that decision with that anger still brimming. We texted back and forth a little bit, and I thought that we were going to be okay.
That whole next week neither one of us texted the other. I thought I was being a gentleman and giving her some room to cool off, after which we would get back together and make up, which had been our routine the last few times this had happend. Oh, how wrong I was to be proven to be. When I got back into town the next Friday, I texted her, trying to make some arrangements for certain things. She never returned a message. I then phoned her, we had a joint telephone account, and her phone went straight to voicemail. She had told me she would get a new phone, I told her she could wait for a month or two, and keep the one she had, I would take care of the bill, no problem. Well, I knew immediately that something was wrong, because she always had her phone on, and it would not go immediately to voice mail if it was off.
So I headed over to her house, and using my key went inside. I noticed immediately that she was in the process of moving out. I put two and two together almost instantaneously, knowing that she was in the middle of removing me out of her life completely. Little did I know how prophetic this feeling would be.
Mind you, this is less than a week after our text conversation. Less than a week. I telephoned her friends, even her 14-year-old, trying to get anyone to tell me what was going on. I just wanted her to call me back, because she wasn't supposed to leave my life forever. She finally phoned me, and I told her I realized what a fool I'd been, that her not in my life left a gaping hole in my heart, that I loved her and wanted to be the man for her and would even marry her. I was ready to commit whole-heartedly. She asked my why I was doing it then, why when she had already taken the steps to erase me out of her life completely. I was devastated. She ended the conversation by saying that she would call me later.
I later found out that she had a new boyfriend. Less than a week later, and she had a new boyfriend. Oh, but that's not all. She was moving in with the new boyfriend! Yes! That's what she did. She was dating this guy less than a week, and moved in with him. What kind of a man does that? Noone of honor, in my opinion, but I don't know him. I do know her, and know that she did it only because I had hurt her so grievously. I, too, was wounded grievously, and wept for her and for her loss. Mainly I wept because of all the things I still wanted to say, that I thought I never would get a chance to say, and because I never got to say goodbye. I think that if I could see her one more time, that I could convince her that I was finally ready to make that commitment to her. Alas, it was not to be.
So, I went a little crazy. I started texting the phone that she still had that I was paying for. I called incessantly. I started writing her emails. I went insanely crazy, but it was the only way I had of pouring out my heart to her, letting her know what I was thinking, how I was feeling, the only way I had to try to convince her to come back home. I love her and just want my TAG to know that I will do anything for her, anything to hold her in my arms all night long, to make love to her, and to make her the happiest woman alive. I know that I, and I alone, can do this for her.
I love you, my TAG. I always will. I will always be here for you, regardless of how long it takes to win back your affections. I know right now you're only thinking about the bad things, the hard times, and the hurt. I hope that soon you will remember the good times, the fun times, the memories. I have so many amazing memories with you in them, and I want all my future memories to have you in them. This blog is my attempt not to inundate her email inbox with my pleadings, and a way for me to purge the heartache from my system. I know it will not be fully gone until my TAG is safely back in my arms, and I hope and pray that day comes. Whenever it does, I'll be ready and waiting with open arms, no questions asked.
I love you forever, my TAG.
In the Beginning
This blog is entitled a Rhapsody to my TAG, TAG being an acronym for someone that I hold very near and dear. Sadly, she has left me. It is of my own doing, and nobody else is to blame. However, in an effort to ease the pain of the loss that I am now suffering, I will write out my thoughts and feelings to her.
This started out as a series of daily emails, or maybe more than twice daily emails, sometimes three, four, five-a-day emails. Yes, I went a little bit crazy, but then, who wouldn't? She's well worth it.
So, here's the story. I met TAG at a birthday party for one of my friends. I wasn't really planning on attending, I just decided on the spur of the moment to go. Well, I was hanging out there, getting a little bored, when I noticed that this girl I knew was walking in with this other girl. This other girl was very sexy, wearing tight jeans on her cute butt and legs, red high heels, and a red shirt. She was one of the most beautiful women I'd ever seen in my life. I also, however, noticed that she was wearing a wedding ring on her left ring finger, which signified to me that she was taken.
As luck would have it, they chose to sit directly across the table from me, which is when I noticed some other guy with them. He seemed very interested in this woman in the sexy red shirt, so I assumed that it was her husband. As is my custom, I observed the interaction between these three for a while, and discovered that the lady in red had no good feelings towards the man she was with. She was perched on the edge of the chair furthest away from him, her attention solely on her female friend. The only time she really acknowledged his existence was when he leaned over and asked them if they wanted a drink (we were in a local drinking establishment at the time). On one of his forays to the bar to get another round, I leaned over and said, "It seems as if your husband isn't on good terms with you right now." To which she responded, "He is not my husband." This intrigued me, so I inquired as to the relationship between them.
Turns out, this fella just happened to be a co-worker of these two women, and had kind of invited himself along for the night. He had already tried to kiss the lady in red at the local Walmart, where they had stopped for something before heading to the bar. She said that he didn't really know how to kiss, it felt like he was trying to suck her face off, and it was icky. Apparently her disgust for him was evident to everyone but him, and I felt sorry for the guy, having been the unlucky bastard who is trying to win the pretty girl but losing horribly. She kept him around, she told me, because he was willing to not only buy her drinks, but her friend as well. I congratulated her on her obvious fool-proof plan; it seemed to be working rather well.
She then startled me by asking me to dance. I don't remember the song we danced to at all, I was so mesmerized by her sexy body, and how it felt next to mine. I had been divorced about a year and a half at this point, had dated a couple of women, but had never had one I was so immediately intrigued with. She was beautiful, and she smelled wonderful. I was intoxicated, but still the ring on her finger held me at bay. I was not going to be the homewrecker.
As the party ended and the bar closed, the man that had come in with the lady in red was trying to get her to go to another party at a friend's house in a town about 10 miles away, and was being rather persistent in his questioning of whether she wanted to go or not. She was being very nice, telling him she should probably get home, that she and her female friend were going to wait in her female friend's car until they thought they could drive home, then just crash. Well, since I don't drink and was perfectly capable of driving and was within earshot of the conversation, I casually offered a ride to the two young ladies if they indeed needed it, trying my best to be the good guy. They immediately accepted, if only to get rid of this other man. It worked, he left, not very happy. I think that because he was buying drinks all night he thought that he was going to be able to take one of them home with him and get lucky. Alas, it was not his night for good fortune.
So I took these two ladies to my car, where they immediately professed a desire for some sort of food. Since the only thing close was a Taco Bell, I drove them there to the drive-thru, where they ordered burritos and nachos. The lady in red was sitting in the front seat of my car, her friend in the back seat. As they were eating their nachos and burritos and I was driving them back to the bar to get their car, the lady in red professed a desire to get something else to eat, and to maybe wait even a little bit longer til they drove home.
So, we went to Walmart, where the lady in red decided that she wanted cake. I fell in love almost immediately. A gorgeous, sexy, beautiful woman who also decided at 2 a.m. that she wanted cake? This was indeed a strange new creature, and I vowed to get to know her even better, damn the wedding ring. After the cake was purchased, the debate was on as to where to go to eat it. I suggested my house, it being fairly close, and they agreed. I took them to my house where they ate cake. While they were eating cake, we talked a little bit about our lives, about what was going on. I had moved up to the town we were all living in a short while earlier and still didn't know a lot of people, so it was nice to have some friendly conversation. While we were conversing they were texting on their phones to various friends, so I commented that nobody was texting me and I was jealous. It was an obvious bait to the lady in red to get her phone number, and she willingly took it. She texted me, and I now had an in.
But what about the wedding ring? I inquired, and she told me that she had been married only about 3 or 4 months, that her husband was a deadbeat, they had met online and he had moved down, didn't have a job, and they decided one day that they may as well get married. It wasn't working out, but she didn't know what to do. I told her that if it wasn't working out she should get rid of him and find someone that would work out. Her female friend agreed with me surprisingly. An interesting aspect of this is that her female friend had no good feelings towards me because of a misunderstanding where she had only heard half the story and believed it. Thus, there was great animosity on her part towards me. Later on I found out that she had warned the lady in red about me, saying I was trouble. Oh dear, how that would haunt me later.
I then took them back to their car, and told them that I was going to follow them back to the lady in red's house in order to ensure that they arrived there safely. There was no ulterior motive behind my action, merely trying to be a gentleman. So I followed them back to her house and said my goodbyes, went home, and tried to imagine the scene that must be taking place.
As you may have guessed, the lady in red was my TAG, and that is how we met, and where the spark was kindled that would later bloom, dwindle, get blown out, bloom again, then get stomped on by me. It was not intentional, that stomping, but still it happened. That, however is a story for another day. Suffice it to say, she texted me the next day, and a relationship developed that grew into love, and I believe is still love today. These words are an effort from me to maintain a bond with her that I hope will last until she decides she wants to be with me forever, for that is what I now wish. If that happens, then I'm the luckiest man alive.
I love you, my TAG. With all my heart and soul I do. I will always be here for you, will always think of you and will forever honor our love. If you see fit to come back to me, to give our love another chance, then I will be the happiest, luckiest, most blessed man alive. It took losing you for me to really appreciate you, and by then you were gone, although precious little time had passed. I understand I hurt you deeply, more than once. I was foolish, and I see that now. If only my eyes had been opened earlier. I hope with an undying hope that you will one day see that we are meant to be together, and whether that be tomorrow, or next week, or next month, or six months from now, or next year, or ten years from now, you will find me waiting with open arms to welcome you back, no questions asked. Please come back home, my TAG. I will always love you.
Forever yours
Big Poppa
This started out as a series of daily emails, or maybe more than twice daily emails, sometimes three, four, five-a-day emails. Yes, I went a little bit crazy, but then, who wouldn't? She's well worth it.
So, here's the story. I met TAG at a birthday party for one of my friends. I wasn't really planning on attending, I just decided on the spur of the moment to go. Well, I was hanging out there, getting a little bored, when I noticed that this girl I knew was walking in with this other girl. This other girl was very sexy, wearing tight jeans on her cute butt and legs, red high heels, and a red shirt. She was one of the most beautiful women I'd ever seen in my life. I also, however, noticed that she was wearing a wedding ring on her left ring finger, which signified to me that she was taken.
As luck would have it, they chose to sit directly across the table from me, which is when I noticed some other guy with them. He seemed very interested in this woman in the sexy red shirt, so I assumed that it was her husband. As is my custom, I observed the interaction between these three for a while, and discovered that the lady in red had no good feelings towards the man she was with. She was perched on the edge of the chair furthest away from him, her attention solely on her female friend. The only time she really acknowledged his existence was when he leaned over and asked them if they wanted a drink (we were in a local drinking establishment at the time). On one of his forays to the bar to get another round, I leaned over and said, "It seems as if your husband isn't on good terms with you right now." To which she responded, "He is not my husband." This intrigued me, so I inquired as to the relationship between them.
Turns out, this fella just happened to be a co-worker of these two women, and had kind of invited himself along for the night. He had already tried to kiss the lady in red at the local Walmart, where they had stopped for something before heading to the bar. She said that he didn't really know how to kiss, it felt like he was trying to suck her face off, and it was icky. Apparently her disgust for him was evident to everyone but him, and I felt sorry for the guy, having been the unlucky bastard who is trying to win the pretty girl but losing horribly. She kept him around, she told me, because he was willing to not only buy her drinks, but her friend as well. I congratulated her on her obvious fool-proof plan; it seemed to be working rather well.
She then startled me by asking me to dance. I don't remember the song we danced to at all, I was so mesmerized by her sexy body, and how it felt next to mine. I had been divorced about a year and a half at this point, had dated a couple of women, but had never had one I was so immediately intrigued with. She was beautiful, and she smelled wonderful. I was intoxicated, but still the ring on her finger held me at bay. I was not going to be the homewrecker.
As the party ended and the bar closed, the man that had come in with the lady in red was trying to get her to go to another party at a friend's house in a town about 10 miles away, and was being rather persistent in his questioning of whether she wanted to go or not. She was being very nice, telling him she should probably get home, that she and her female friend were going to wait in her female friend's car until they thought they could drive home, then just crash. Well, since I don't drink and was perfectly capable of driving and was within earshot of the conversation, I casually offered a ride to the two young ladies if they indeed needed it, trying my best to be the good guy. They immediately accepted, if only to get rid of this other man. It worked, he left, not very happy. I think that because he was buying drinks all night he thought that he was going to be able to take one of them home with him and get lucky. Alas, it was not his night for good fortune.
So I took these two ladies to my car, where they immediately professed a desire for some sort of food. Since the only thing close was a Taco Bell, I drove them there to the drive-thru, where they ordered burritos and nachos. The lady in red was sitting in the front seat of my car, her friend in the back seat. As they were eating their nachos and burritos and I was driving them back to the bar to get their car, the lady in red professed a desire to get something else to eat, and to maybe wait even a little bit longer til they drove home.
So, we went to Walmart, where the lady in red decided that she wanted cake. I fell in love almost immediately. A gorgeous, sexy, beautiful woman who also decided at 2 a.m. that she wanted cake? This was indeed a strange new creature, and I vowed to get to know her even better, damn the wedding ring. After the cake was purchased, the debate was on as to where to go to eat it. I suggested my house, it being fairly close, and they agreed. I took them to my house where they ate cake. While they were eating cake, we talked a little bit about our lives, about what was going on. I had moved up to the town we were all living in a short while earlier and still didn't know a lot of people, so it was nice to have some friendly conversation. While we were conversing they were texting on their phones to various friends, so I commented that nobody was texting me and I was jealous. It was an obvious bait to the lady in red to get her phone number, and she willingly took it. She texted me, and I now had an in.
But what about the wedding ring? I inquired, and she told me that she had been married only about 3 or 4 months, that her husband was a deadbeat, they had met online and he had moved down, didn't have a job, and they decided one day that they may as well get married. It wasn't working out, but she didn't know what to do. I told her that if it wasn't working out she should get rid of him and find someone that would work out. Her female friend agreed with me surprisingly. An interesting aspect of this is that her female friend had no good feelings towards me because of a misunderstanding where she had only heard half the story and believed it. Thus, there was great animosity on her part towards me. Later on I found out that she had warned the lady in red about me, saying I was trouble. Oh dear, how that would haunt me later.
I then took them back to their car, and told them that I was going to follow them back to the lady in red's house in order to ensure that they arrived there safely. There was no ulterior motive behind my action, merely trying to be a gentleman. So I followed them back to her house and said my goodbyes, went home, and tried to imagine the scene that must be taking place.
As you may have guessed, the lady in red was my TAG, and that is how we met, and where the spark was kindled that would later bloom, dwindle, get blown out, bloom again, then get stomped on by me. It was not intentional, that stomping, but still it happened. That, however is a story for another day. Suffice it to say, she texted me the next day, and a relationship developed that grew into love, and I believe is still love today. These words are an effort from me to maintain a bond with her that I hope will last until she decides she wants to be with me forever, for that is what I now wish. If that happens, then I'm the luckiest man alive.
I love you, my TAG. With all my heart and soul I do. I will always be here for you, will always think of you and will forever honor our love. If you see fit to come back to me, to give our love another chance, then I will be the happiest, luckiest, most blessed man alive. It took losing you for me to really appreciate you, and by then you were gone, although precious little time had passed. I understand I hurt you deeply, more than once. I was foolish, and I see that now. If only my eyes had been opened earlier. I hope with an undying hope that you will one day see that we are meant to be together, and whether that be tomorrow, or next week, or next month, or six months from now, or next year, or ten years from now, you will find me waiting with open arms to welcome you back, no questions asked. Please come back home, my TAG. I will always love you.
Forever yours
Big Poppa
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