How much?

My dearest TAG, my love,

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. I love thee to the breadth, depth, and height my soul can attain. I love you more than you may ever know, but I hope that you feel my love. I hope you feel it all around you every day, and know that I am loving you and only you, and that I am being good for you. I want you to be in my life so bad.

I recalculated the mortgage on that one house we talked about. It is actually going to be much cheaper than I had anticipated or calculated before. About 200 dollars cheaper. How amazing would that be? I hope that I can make it happen for us. That would be amazing.

I miss you more than I can even say, more than you may ever know. You are the most amazing woman in the world to me. I hope you know and feel that every day.

I was so wore out today, but still I waited for your call. I hoped you would call, tell me to come rescue you, so that I could drop everything and run to be with you. I would do that in a heartbeat, I hope you know that.

I love everything about you. I love the fact that you can just throw on a pair of pj pants, pull your hair back, put on a sweatshirt, and look amazing. I love the fact that you can get dressed up in that awesome ball gown I bought for you and look stunning. I love the fact that I can look at you and fall in love all over again. You are amazing.

I love you, always and forever,
B

A hurting heart

My dearest TAG, my love,

My heart hurts something fierce tonight. I don't really know why. All I know is that I can't bear the thought of being apart from you. I need you, I want you, and I love you. I don't know why it took what it did for me to realize that I love you, and don't know why it took what it did for me to realize that you love me. All I know is that I'm glad that it finally happened, even as I am sad that circumstances are what they are now.

I know you are going to the fireman's ball this weekend. I am so jealous. I wish I could be the man that gets to have you on his arm, that gets to dance the night away with you. I'm so sorry for all that I have done. Please forgive me.

I will do whatever it takes to show you that I can be the man you deserve, that I can love you the way you deserve to be loved, and that can be there for you through thick and thin. I want you to know I am always here for you, and there is nothing that will keep me away from you. I will change the rules of time and space if I have to, so that I can run as fast as I can to get to you.

I am so so sorry for all that I have done. Words cannot even come close to expressing the remorse that is in my heart, the pain that I feel when I think that I have treated the one I love more than life itself as poorly as I have treated you. I only hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me.

I'm working on a song right now. It's called "One More One Last Chance". I hope one day you get to hear it.

I love you, always and forever,
B

A real man

My dearest TAG, my love,

I am now realizing just what a real man is. A real man loves with all his heart, might, mind, and strength. A real man loves unconditionally, and isn't afraid to show that to anyone, especially to the one he loves the most. A real man is kind, generous, loving, giving, and benevolent to those around him. A real man holds his lady love in his arms, regardless of the circumstances around him. A real man does not cheat or step out on his love at any time, for any reason.

A real man gives of himself for the benefit of those around him, and gives the most of himself to the one he loves the most. A real man sacrifices all that he can for the sake of his love, and always recognizes that the love he has for that one, that one super special lady, that love is what carries him, sustains him, keeps him going.

I am a real man. I have done things that I am not proud of. I have hurt you, I have crushed you, and I have done appalling things that I am so ashamed of. But I know that I love you, that our love is strong enough to change me, and that as long as I hold on tight to that love, nothing can keep me from attaining those levels that you and I both know I am capable of. I am excited for the future.

I am a real man, and you are a real woman. Together we are dynamite. Together we can do anything. Together the world is ours.

I love you forever. I will always be here for you. I will never leave or forsake you. You can count on me forever, baby. I will no longer let you down, hurt you, or cause you pain or anguish of soul. I will be the man that you need, want, and expect. I am your love, you are mine, and we will be together soon.

Thank you for your love. Thank you for helping me realize the real man that I am and will be. I know that our family is going to be an amazing accomplishment and that we will beat all the odds because of the love that we share. I love you so much.

I love you always and forever, my love, my life, my future wife.
B

Every day

My dearest TAG, my love,

I know you are hurting still, and confused, and unsure of what is going on with us, with you, with life. I know that I have thrown you for a loop. I know you were taking steps to cut me out completely and that would have been easier for all involved, most likely. Now I've come back, screwed everything up majorly, and you don't know what to do. I know you feel torn. I'm sorry for that. I would give up, let you just live life, but I know I can't do that. I'm so certain that you are supposed to be my future, and that you are supposed to be my wife, that I just can't give up. Sorry. I will fight to the very last breath to make you mine.

I love you so very much. I want you to know that. Through everything I do, after all that I am, our love is the thing that keeps me going, that makes sense, that teaches me what life is all about. I know that our love will survive the test of time, and that we can overcome anything and everything that life may throw at us. We will be amazing together.

You're the most amazing woman in the world. I am so in love with you. I love everything about you, your body, your mind, your spirit, your brain, your personality, the way you look at me, the way you hold me in your arms, the kindness you show our children, the amazing things you do every day for others. I love your spunk and your fire, I love the quiet things you do behind the scenes to make life easier for those around you.

I will always be here for you. I will never leave your side, there will never be another for me. I will love you with all my heart for all my life.

I love you forever and ever and always,
B

Holy Ouch!

My dearest TAG, my love,

I think I missed a day. It happens, I guess. Sometimes it hurts just as bad to write as it does to not write. I know, I'm lame. But this is who I am now. I acknowledge all my feelings, regardless of how lame they may sound or if they make me seem like less of a man.

So I went through my camera today for the first time in forever. Wow. Holy Ouch. There were pictures on there from Halloween and Christmas. You looked so beautiful on Christmas Eve as you were opening your presents. Why oh why did I ever let you go, or not let you know just how much you mean to me? Why was I so blind as to not see that you love me just like I love you. Why did I not acknowledge that?

I love you oh so much, my TAG. I didn't know true love existed until there was you. I didn't realize I deserved to be loved and appreciated until there was you. I didn't know what it meant to truly love somebody else until there was you. You saved my soul, you rescued me from pain and torment. I do so love you, and I hope you feel and see that. Please come home to me. I know we can make it work. I know that we can together make a difference. We are family. You have shown me what it means to be a family. I know we are great for each other.

I'm going to be here this whole week, and I'm afraid it might be torturous for me. I don't know what I'm going to do with myself. I love you so much, I wish I could see you all day every day. You are an amazing woman, and I will love you always, from the bottom of my heart and with all that I am, I love you. I know I don't have much money, but every little bit is yours to have. I know I don't have a nice house or nice cars or the ability to buy nice things for you or the means or the ways to take care of you the way you deserve to be taken care of. But I can promise that I will work as hard as I can to give you the world, and that I can give you something that money could never buy. True, unadulterated, pure love. I love you so very much. You're amazing.

I will love you forever, my love, my life, my all. you're the best thing that has ever been in my life, and you'll be the best thing I will ever have. Thank you for sharing the part of life with me that you did. I will treasure it always. And if you find it in your heart to come back, please do. The door will be open to you at every time. Any time. I am yours, yours forever.

I love you always and forever,
B

I will take it all

My dearest TAG, my love,

I know that you are hurting, confused, and stressed. I'm so sorry for all of that. I will take it all on me, I can handle it. I can take all the stress, the worry, the heartache, the confusion, and I will gladly bear it for you. If only I could help you, help you more than I do now. If only I could take you away from all of this. I so wish that I were a Rocketeer, so that I cold fly us away to that world, above all this. I am so sorry that I'm not in a better place to help than I am. I feel almost useless, worthless, and like there's nothing I can do. I hate that feeling. I hate it so much. I wish that I could be more of the man you deserve.

I want to let you know that you mean the world to me. I would do almost anything for you. I think about the future often, how happy we could be. I so hope that happens. I know you will never regret it if you choose me. I know you would feel like the happiest woman in the world, like the most blessed woman in the world, and I would definitely be the luckiest guy in the world. I already feel like one of the luckiest, because I got to share that life with you for a short while. I hope that I get to share even more. I love you so very much.

Let me take the pain away, ease the stress. Come back to me. Together we can face anything. Anything at all. Together we can take on the world. I will do anything it takes. And I will help you be happier than you have ever been in your life.

I love you always and forever,
Love,
B

Deafening Silence

My dearest TAG, my love,

I just experienced another pretty sleepless night. Those happen alot. Mainly because I start thinking about you, and I just can't quit. I have dreams, and you're in them. You're the first thing on my mind when I wake up, you're the last thing on my mind when I go to sleep, and you're on my mind every second of every minute of every hour in between. I think about you when I'm supposed to be concentrating on class. It's a good thing that I can multi-task!

I miss you so much. It's so much more than just a regular missing someone. I miss the way you look into my eyes, I miss the hugs, the quiet moments when we were just there for each other, and I miss holding you, knowing at that moment I wouldn't want to be anywhere else. Even though I didn't give you 100% of me 100% of the time, you got more of me than anyone else ever has.

I love you so much. I feel as if a part of me is missing. I want us to have a future. I want to be able to kiss you good night when we go to sleep, then kiss you good morning when we wake up. I want to be able to call you, just because, and you call me, just because. I want to be able to know that I can come home to you or you can come home to me. I'm so sorry I was foolish and cavalier with our love.

I promise you this, my TAG. I will love you like you've never been loved before. You will never regret one more day of your life. I will take away the hurt and the confusion and replace it with love, devotion, clarity, and peace. I will heal your heart, and you can heal mine.

Together, we are an amazing duo, an amazing couple. You are my lady, I love only you. Any other woman pales in comparison to you. You are so beautiful, and so amazing, and you have so many good qualities. I want you to know just how special you are, and I will spend the rest of my life figuring out how to do that, and helping you feel that way.

I love you forever, my TAG. I always will be here for you. Until I take my last breath and shuffle off this mortal coil, I will love you and only you.

I love you always and forever,
B

Sad and alone

My dearest TAG, my love,

I don't know why, but tonight I feel more sad and alone than I have in a few weeks. I miss you so very very much. I wish I could come home and hold you. Just hold you all night. That's all I want. Is to be able to hold you in my arms and know you're there with me. I love you so much and feel like such a fool for letting you go. I don't know what was wrong with me, except a lot. I love you and will do anything I can to get you back, back in my arms where you belong. I want to marry you and have you always be there. I want to go to bed with you every night knowing that I am cuddling with the one true love of my life. That is you, my TAG. The only woman I have ever truly loved, the only one I will ever love. I will never love another, and can't wait for us to start our life together again. I know our love is strong enough to do it. I will never stay up by myself when I know you are in the bed alone. I will come hold you in my strong arms and never let you go. I love you forever.

Love always,
B

Oops, I missed a day, almost

My dearest TAG, my love,

Words cannot express what you mean to me. Whenever I think of you, I get a big goofy grin on my face, and I can't help but be happy. I am so thankful that I got to share a part of my life with you, and I hope to be able to share the rest of my life with you.

Sunday was a glorious day. You probably know why by now. I was so happy to be able to have that memory. I am so grateful to be able to do things for people, things that make them happy and smile. It is wonderful to be a part of that.

The drive back down was uneventful. I made it in one piece at least! Thought you might be glad to hear that. I am always glad to experience it. I hope that you had a good day, a wonderful afternoon, a pleasant evening. I wish that we could spend every minute of every day together, that we could share all these awesome memories. I will keep them all in my heart, my love, and share them with you when I can. Know that you are in my heart always, so you are in all my memories. That is important to me.

Today I went to class, and it kicked my butt. Then I went truck shopping. I was successful! I was able to get a very good truck for a very good price, and it's big enough to fit our family. We'll have to be a little cozy, but for camping and other things it'll be perfect. I can't wait to share it with you, to let you drive it, to see your face as you drive that bad boy. It needs some work, but it's nothing I can't do myself. I'm fairly handy that way. I already fixed a lot of it, but there's still a few more things that need done for it to be as perfect as it can be.

I watched the finale of the TV show the "Bachelor" tonight. I was struck at how earnest the guy, Brad, was. He knew what he wanted and he went for it. I feel that same way. When he proposed to the woman he loves and told her that she was his forever, I identified with that. How I long to get down on one knee before you, my TAG, and ask you that all important question. I've already got one very important item for that moment. It's very nice, beautiful even, and I hope to one day be able to share it with you. I feel very strongly that this will happen for us. I want us to be a family, you, me, our kids, and to share our love with the world. I am a changed man, this is no facade, this is me, who I am now. I realize how much you mean to me, how very important our love is, and I never want to lose that feeling or lose you. If you decide to come back to me, I will waste no time in asking for your hand in marriage, because I don't want to waste any more time. I've wasted so much being foolish and indecisive and just plain stubborn. That time is passed. I am ready to make you my whole world.

I love you forever, my TAG. There is no other woman nor will there ever be another woman for me. I have your picture as the wallpaper on my phone, that picture of you from your birthday. What a magical day that was. I was finally honest with you and with myself when I told you I love you. I don't know what caused me to retract that statement, besides the fact that I was sabotaging myself. Know only that what I said that night is still the truth. I do love you. I'll never forget the way you looked at me when I told you that, the light in your eyes, the smile on your face. That will be a magical moment for me for the rest of my life.

Here's to us having many more magical nights. I know we can do it. Together our love is strong, strong enough to overcome anything. This will make us that much more strong. I know we can overcome. Together we are invincible! I love you. I miss you so very much, I wish I could leap across the distance and the space between us, gather you in my arms, explain just what you mean to me, and make everything alright all over again.

There's a song I like by the group Boyz II Men. It's called "On Bended Knee". It talks about a guy who screwed up, he's on his knees begging for forgiveness. The only part of the song I don't like, is he says "Can't somebody tell me how to get things back, the way they used to be..." I don't want things to go back to the way they used to be, I want them to be so much better for both of us. I know that I can do it, that we can do it. I have so much love for you, my TAG. It's overwhelming sometimes.

Please, let me have the chance to get down on one knee and ask for your hand in marriage. You will never regret it, and I know that our love will grow stronger every day. I will never, ever be so far away that you can't reach me. A phone call, an email, an SOS signal, smoke signal, whatever it takes, you call for me, and I'll be there. I will never hurt you like this again, my TAG. I promise that with all that I am, with all my heart, might, mind, and strength. You are my forever, and I want to be yours.

I love you forever and always, and I will always be here for you.

I love you, forever and always,
B

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My dearest TAG, my love,

My heart is so full today, I don't really know what to say or what to write or even what to do. It's a good full, though, not bad. No worries. I just love you so much, and I realized fully today that the decision that you make will be the right one for you, and that I will be okay regardless, because I do have your love, and I was fortunate enough to have you in my life. Hopefully I will be fortunate enough to have you in my life once again, for the rest of my life.

I'm so in love with you. I just wish that I had realized it so much sooner. Like a year sooner. If I had done that, then we would be married and living our happily ever after right now. I'm so scared that we will not have that opportunity, but I know that if that's the decision you make, then life will go on. Not a life that I want to live, not a life I will necessarily enjoy, but it will be a life.

I'm really focused on finishing school right now, just putting all of the time and effort that I would have normally spent with you or talking to you doing school stuff. It doesn't help take my mind off things necessarily, but it does help in my scholastic endeavors.

I love you forever my TAG, and I will do anything I can to prove myself to you, to prove that you can trust me and our love again. I love you so very very much, and I will always be here for you. with you right here, I'm a rocketeer, let's fly. You say the word, and I will be there. I will fly to your side, to be with you and take care of you. I love you forever.

I love you forever and always, with all of my heart and soul, and with everything that I am. I am yours forever.

Love always,
B

You are the only one

My dearest TAG, my love,

You are the only woman I have ever loved like this. You will always be the only woman that I will love like this. It tears me apart inside to know that I hurt you and hurt you bad, that I drove you into the arms of another man. It kills me every day to think that he is living my happy ever after with you. I wish there were something I could do to prove myself to you, but I guess there isn't. Just know that I will always be here for you.

I am struggling so bad right now. I hurt every day. I know it's my own fault. I realize that. It's easier to try and blame other people, but underneath all the bluff exterior bullshit the truth remains the same. I messed it up big time, and I can't go back and erase it.

The one thing I can do is live the rest of my life adoring you, worshipping you, loving you. I'm so afraid that you don't understand the depth and breadth of my love, that you don't feel how strongly I love you. I have never ever experienced a love like this before. NEVER. You are the only woman I will ever feel this strongly for, the only woman that would make me overcome my fear of committment, and the only woman that I want to get down on one knee in front of and propose marriage to. I hope one day I can do that, and that you will accept me, and that we can live as husband and wife the rest of our days. I will be the most proud man in the history of the world if I am able to call you my wife.

My divorce really screwed me up in the committment department, and I'm sorry for that. Ours is the longest relationship that I have had outside of my marriage, and the only relationship I have ever been a part of that has made me happy for an extended period of time. I love you so much.

I do hope that you and your new boyfriend break up. I pray for that every night. I know it's not nice of me, but I can't think of anything else besides outright sabotage that I can do, and I won't go about being subversive in that manner. I will not actively attempt to break you two up, even though a part of me thinks that would be for the best. You see, I know that the decision is yours to make, and you are the only one that can decide what you want, whether it's the safety and surface happiness that you have now, the "nice things and big house" as you put it the other day, or whether it's eternal joy and happiness and true love that you and I share. I may not have many nice things. I may be pretty poor and destitute and not much of a winner from the outside looking in. But I know me, and I know my heart, finally. No man will ever love you the way that I do, and no two people will ever be as good together as we are.

I love you so much, my beautiful TAG. I don't know how else to show you. I have changed everything for you. I will do whatever it takes to make our dreams reality. I know that together we can do this. Together we are strong and we can be happy. I want to be the man in your life, you are the only woman in mine.

I love you forever,
B

The hardest day of the week, and the happiest

My dearest TAG, my love,

Thursday here again, and it has become somewhat of a paradox in my life. I enjoy Thursday because I get to go to my house, be with my things, and it means that I am close to you. Very close to you. I don't enjoy it because I have to drive 300 miles to get to my house, and even though I may be close to you, I'm further away than ever before. It's really a difficult thing to describe in words, as most of my feelings are anymore.

The drive back was uneventful. Thank goodness. I've had enough accidents this year. I sure hope I can get my insurance money sometime soon so that I can go truck shopping for reals. I need a new vehicle. I think this weekend I'm going to really buckle down and work on that Saturn too. Hopefully I can figure out what's wrong with it. If not, then I guess I'll push it off a cliff!

I sure wish that you could come over, just so we could sit and chat for a while, or cuddle. I miss cuddling with you. I kick my own butt every day that I didn't realize how special and important to me you are until you were so far gone. I refuse to believe that it is too late. Part of me wants to give up, to throw in the towel and say "I'm done!" But the larger part of me knows this is fallacy, that I will never in life find another woman as wonderful as you. You are the only one I will ever love, and the only one I will ever want to love. No other woman will every stack up to you.

I love you so much, my TAG. I hope one day you will see in your heart that I am still there, that our love is still strong, and on that day you will walk back into my life, heal my aching heart, and I will heal yours, and together we can grow in love and devotion. We will be the couple other couples are envious of, because our love will be so strong.

I love you with all my heart, with everything that is in me. I am yours completely and utterly, without question and without reservation. My life is an open book to you.

I love you always,
B

Wednesday is okay

My dearest TAG, my love,

Well, Wednesday has come and gone, and it wasn't anything too special. I went and looked at a few trucks today. It was alright. I just kept wishing that you were with me to give me your sound advice and counsel. You always are good for a few words when it seems like I might be doing something a little rash!

I also went to the Army Surplus store. There is a really big one up in IF. I browsed for a while, and ended up buying another awesome Army laundry bag. They have the best laundry bags ever, and the one I have now is starting to fall apart. So I got me another one. Now I can haul my laundry around without worrying about it falling out the bottom!

Wednesday I spent a lot of time thinking about Mardi Gras last year. Remember how we went out with some of your friends, I won VIP passes, so we got into some clubs, did some dancing, had some fun. I enjoyed that night so much. I think that was another time that I got it right, the whole us thing. We clicked very well that night. And enjoyed each other's company so very much. I miss you more and more each day. I thought that after a while I would not miss you so very much, but I was wrong. I keep missing you and it gets worse instead of better.

I love you so very much. I hope that you read this, realize how deeply I care, and come back to me. I will do whatever it takes to make you the happiest woman alive. I have changed my phone number, and given it out to only a select group of people, several close friends and my family. I will give it to you, as well, and hope and pray that you will call and talk to me. I love you so, my beautiful TAG, and I know we can be happy together, happier than any other couple in the entire world can be. We will dance and sing and be goofy together, cuddle on the couch, hold each other in the wee hours of the morning, and enjoy sunsets and sunrises and everything in between. I want us to be together forever. I want you to be my wife.

I made a little purchase on the internet the other day. It was your suggestion that I do it, so I did. It is there for you when you are ready to accept it. I am looking to move into a bigger, nicer place. I want it to be our home. I am looking at houses to buy. I think with a VA loan that we can get something really decent, hopefully a fixer-upper that we can shape into our very own home. Not just a house, because we will fill it with our love.

I love you forever, my TAG. You are the only woman for me. I will spend the rest of my life proving that to you, and I hope you will come enjoy the ride with me.

Love, always and forever,
B

Fat Tuesday

My dearest TAG, my love,

Hello there once again. It is Fat Tuesday. Did I go out? HA! Nope. I don't go out, because I don't have you to go out with. You were always so much fun to go out with. I enjoyed watching you interact with other people. Even when you got fierce it was fun. You could be like laughing and joking one minute, then get all up in someone's mug the next, just because they had said something you didn't appreciate.

I miss you more and more each day. I wonder if you feel the same? I thought that it was supposed to get easier as time went by. It isn't and it hasn't. I just miss you more and more. I wonder what you are doing at every hour and every minute of the day. I wonder if you're thinking of me, as I am thinking of you.

I went and looked at some trucks today, but there was no joy in it, knowing that I wouldn't be able to share the experience with you. Plus I don't have my money yet so it's not like I would be able to take one home with me! Anyways, there are some really nice trucks out there that people apparently think are made of gold. Expensive! But I know I'll find one that will suit my needs. Then I can use it to move you out and in with me! HAHAHA! I crack myself up.

Seriously though, I wonder sometimes if it wouldn't just be healthier for me to move on. I don't want to, but I wonder sometimes. The only problem is that you are now the yardstick against which all other women or my interactions with them will be measured, and they will always come up wanting. You are the most wonderful woman I have met or ever will meet in my life. It's you and no other. I so wish you would come back to me, I know our love is strong and will conquer all doubts.

I know now that I'd rather be alone for the rest of my life than live without you. I don't want to live without your love. I want to bask in your presence, be one with you, and show you every day that I love you. I hope you understand and realize how I feel. You are amazing and should always know that I love you.

I do love you, my TAG. Never forget that, and never doubt. I will always be here for you, for whatever it is you may need. Please, please, don't hesitate to call. You will find only love and acceptance on the other end.

I love you forever,
B

Begin another week

My dearest TAG, my love,

Monday, the beginning of another week. I always approach Mondays with guarded optimism, wondering if this week will bring joy or heartache. It was a decent beginning to the week, and so I am hopeful for more good things this week.

I don't remember if I told you that I mailed the title to my truck in, so hopefully in a few days I will receive the insurance settlement. Then it is time to go truck shopping. I so wish that you would come with me. That would be a lot of fun. And, you're much better at negotiating deals than I am. You're a hard-nosed customer to deal with. I like that a lot. I like most everything about you, my TAG. You make life worth living, and I love you for that. I love you for a lot more reasons too.

I found out that I will graduate, as long as I can get a one-credit waiver, which is fairly normal procedure from what I understand. So on May 7th I will be walking in the commencement ceremony. I hope you come, I hope we're together, so that you can join in the festivities with my family. I know you'll have a good time, and be welcomed in with open arms. They are all anxious to meet you.

I so want to kiss you and hold you, make love to you and let you know that I am yours forever, and that you are mine. There is no other woman in this world that I want in my life, only you. I am so in love with you, I will be in love with you forever. Despite what else may happen, I will never stop loving you.

My darling, I'm sorry I was such a fool. I will never be again. I will never take you or our love for granted again, but I will nurture and protect it forever. I love you so very much, that some days I just ache. I hope you feel how much I love you, and understand how deeply I feel for you. Your love is the driving force behind my life.

Please remember always that I am here for you, regardless of what may happen. I will always be here and will always care and will always love you and only you.

I love you forever,
B

I was a fool. A poem for my TAG

I was a fool, I didn't think things would turn out quite this way.
I was a fool, I didn't think about how special you made every day.
I was a fool, I didn't quite realize the way you make me feel.
I was a fool, now I wish that my love could make all this not real.

I was a fool, I asked you not to love me even though you really do.
I was a fool, I didn't know that I really do love you too.
I was a fool, I didn't think about the others I might harm.
I was a fool, now I would do anything to have you on my arm

Now I sit here and think about all the good times that we had.
I know that the good times outweigh all the bad.
I wish that I could turn back time and take all those things back.
I would hold you tight and hold you close and never look back.

I was a fool, I listened to all the wrong people and not to my own heart.
I was a fool, I realize now I should have listened from the start.
I was a fool, I let the woman that I love just walk away.
I was a fool, I should have run to her and begged her to please stay.

I was a fool, but I swear to you, my baby, I'm not the same.
I was a fool, but I know if you get to know me now you'll see I've changed.
I was a fool, but I know now that the only woman I'll ever love is you.
I was a fool, but I want you to know that I love you.

Now I sit here and think about all the good times that we had.
I know that if you come back to me the good times will outweigh the bad.
If you will let me hold you in my arms for one more day.
I know that you will come home to me, and with me forever stay.

I was a fool, but I will not be a fool ever again.
I love you, forever and always, and want to be your man.
Let me hold you, love you, keep you, I want you to be my wife.
I was a fool, but I want to be your fool for the rest of my life.

Some kind of Sunday

My dearest TAG, my love,

Sunday today. Kind of a lazy day, except for the fact that I had to make my usual journey down the interstate. That drive always wears me out, then I had to go and finish my homework. I hope I did it right. This one class is frustrating me so bad. I sure could use your soothing, calming hand.

Remember when I told you that if I started doing bad in school we were going to have to reduce TAG time? Turns out that I do much better in school, and life in general, with you around than without you. Sure wish you were around for me to tell you the frustrations I am having with this semester and the craziness that are my classes this semester. Ugh. I'm sure glad I'm going to be done here soon.

I had such a good weekend with my kids, but I wish you could have joined us. When I think about what we had and what we could still have, I want to kick myself. I'm sorry I got pissed at you the other night, you did nothing wrong, I was more pissed at myself than anything. And I was tired and cranky when I wrote that. I apologize for that. I only want to feel happy with you.

I do love you so much. I want to live the rest of my life with you. I know this may seem hard to believe, I have turned an abrupt 180, and it may be difficult to adapt. But this is how I really feel. I want you so badly, I want to be with you so much, that I would do almost anything. Anything, short of harming a child or destroying a national monument.

I want you to know you have my heart. No other woman will ever mean to me what you do. I will carry our love everywhere with me, and I will never forget you or how I feel about you. You will always have my heart and my love, and I will never ever ever let that love go. I will never again take you for granted or not appreciate the love we have. I will prove myself to you. We belong together, and I believe that with all my heart and all that I am.

I love you forever, and will be here for you forever. If ever you need me, call out, I'll be there.

I love you, my TAG.
B

A Good Saturday

My dearest TAG, my love,

Today was Saturday, and I woke up with zero motivation. I didn't sleep well, so that had a lot to do with it. It seems like I can't get more than 4 hours of sleep a night lately. I don't know what's up with that, but it's frustrating.

In any case, I snuck a nap in. My kids were being so good, playing so well together, and basically regulating themselves, so I took a short nap. Woke up feeling much better. I had great intentions of fixing the Saturn, but I decided it could wait, and I dove into playing with my kids. We had a really good morning, just playing games and enjoying each other.

The afternoon was spent at Chuck E Cheese. On the way there I had several errands to run, it being the first of the month, I had to take care of some bills. So the kids rode around with me while I did that. We just talked and chatted in the car, listened to some good music, and had a good time together. Of course the talk turned to you, they asked if you were going to go with us and bring your kids, I told them that would probably not happen. They asked me why, and I told them that it was because I had hurt you. We talked about love and relationships a little bit. Brevan said, "It's okay daddy. She's still your girlfriend." It just about broke my heart all over again.

In any case, Chuck E. Cheese was great. We had a good time, the kids were very well behaved. I'm so grateful for good kids. Thank you for your help with them when you were around. You were so good to them and for them. Thank you for everything you did to help me in my life and for loving me. I know it wasn't easy. But you did. And do.

I love you so much, my TAG. You are the only woman I will ever love. I will always be here for you, and will never forget you. You are the love of my life.

Love always,
B

Fairly decent Friday

My dearest TAG, my love,

Today was Friday, and it turned out pretty good. Luckily I have some really good friends who give me good advice and do their best to turn my rotten attitude around. I'm grateful for these friends. I hope to be able to introduce you to them sometime. I think you will like them and they will like you. I hope so anyway, because they are important to me, as you are important to me.

Today I had great intentions of moving and shaking and getting things done. Unfortunately, that didn't happen. I did go running, ran about 2 and a half miles, so that was good. But I had zero motivation for anything else. I guess we got some grocery shopping done, which was necessary, but still kind of hurt, because I remembered all the times we went together, and I wish that we could go again. I spent a lot of time with my kids, whom I love so very much. Even they ask about you quite often, and I know it would thrill them to no end if you would come visit.

We're going to Chuck E Cheeses tomorrow, my kids need to have some fun, and I would absolutely love it if you could come. Remember how you came that one time? I love that memory, because it was one of the first times my kids ever met you, and that was such a great memory. I have so many of them with you in them, and I hope that I can have some more. Hopefully sooner rather than later.

I'm so sorry, my TAG, that I can't hold you every night like I wish I could. I'm sorry that I can't be there to kiss you and hold your hand. The prospect of not having you around for activities and fun is almost more than I can bear. I'm prepared to live the rest of my life alone, but it would be much better if I could spend my life with you, together. We would be amazing. We would have a historic love, the kind the poets describe in epic poems and authors die to write about. I feel so deeply, yet I fear that the longer that time passes, the more you are slipping away from me.

I'm sorry if I do things that seem crazy. I am driven by love, and sometimes it drives me crazy. I will back off, give you the time and the space that you need. I'm hoping that the old saying is true about loving something, letting it go, and it comes back to you. That is the hope I am holding onto now.

I love you so much, and miss you a lot. I always will. This will never go away for as long as I live. I will always be yours, you need only come claim me. I am so thankful that I have you in my life, you have enriched my life beyond my understanding, and I hope that we can be a family soon.

I love you forever, my one and only love.

Love always,
B

Downer Thursday

My dearest TAG, my love,



I'm feeling fairly despondent tonight, and so, in order not to drag you down with me, I will be brief.



I don't know what I can say to convince you that I am totally, madly, crazy in love with you. I try and tell you that, and it seems like I just stumble over my words. I don't know. I feel like my entire future is in jeopardy without you, and so I want to be with you.



In Hollywood, the boy confesses to the girl, tells her he loves her, apologizes. The girl takes the boy back, they live happily ever after. Isn't that how it's supposed to work?



It doesn't seem to be working out so well for this confessional boy. My friends keep telling me that I need to give it time, that I need to back off and let happen whatever will. I'm not very good at that sort of thing. I feel like you are so close, my TAG, and yet so far away. I know that I can make you the happiest woman alive, if you will just let me. Damn anyone who may say different. You, however, seem content with life as it is. I just want the best, and for me, you are the best.



I miss you more than I can adequately express. Words fail me tonight. I love you so. I hope someday you can read these words and realize the truth behind them, that a boy fell in love with a girl, didn't realize it until apparently it was too late, and now must live with this knowledge the rest of his life, that he let the best thing he would ever find in life go by the wayside, all because he was too cowardly to face his feelings in the open.



I will always, and I mean ALWAYS be here for you, my TAG. I will ALWAYS love you, and will ALWAYS be ready and willing to receive you with open arms, should that be your wish. I know we can be happy together.



I love you, baby. You and no other, for the rest of my life.



Love always,

B

Wednesday of Wonder

My dearest TAG, my love,

What a wonderful, weird Wednesday this was! I woke up from my slumber to the dream mentioned earlier, that started the weirdness out. I thought about you all day long due to that dream, and I hope and pray that you are doing well. I worry so about you, my love. I worry because I care and love you so much. I want to see you happy and smiling. I know I can bring that bright smile to your face every single day! I want to be able to do that.

I ran 3.1 miles today, or a 5k equivalent. My running is improving, I know because I ran those 3.1 miles in just a little over 23 minutes. That's pretty fast for a big old boy like me! I do so enjoy running, thank you for motivating me to start again. I love you for motivating me to do so many good things. You are wonderful.

Then I went to school, I took a test on Monday for my stats class, remember? I was afraid I had flunked it, right? Well, I came close. I didn't really pass. I got a 61%. The lowest test score I remember getting ever. I felt horrible. I vowed to never get below a 95% on a test in that class the rest of this semester. Will you help me with that?

I remember one time telling you that if I didn't do well in school then I would have to reduce TAG time. I guess now we have proof positive that you were good for me in my scholastic endeavors. Deans list two semesters in a row. Now I fail a test, after you leave. I'm so sorry my TAG. If it meant getting you back I would flunk the rest of the semester too, but I know how damaging that will be to our future. So I will push forward, for the both of us, and for our family. I love the thought of our family so very much.

I actually got a nap in today too, which was good. I only got about 5 hours of sleep last night what with the crazy dream and running. So I guess my body decided I needed the rest. I just sat down in one of those big ole comfy chairs, and fell right asleep. It was nice. I thought about you then too, wondered what you were doing, if you were smiling. I hope so, you have the most fantastic smile. Beautiful, full of goodness, makes me happy!

I wish I could sit down and talk to you. Just us two. I wish I could hold you in my arms, speak my heart in your ear, kiss your lips, make love to you. You are the only woman I will ever love for the rest of my life, I hope you feel that. I hope that asthe sun rises each morning, and as it sets each evening that you are aware that I send my love as I watch. Oh wait, you are so not a morning person. Guess we'll have to stick with sunset and moonrise!

The other good thing that happened today is the insurance adjuster called me and informed me they would be paying me around 4300 dollars for the truck. That was a welcome relief, to know that I would be getting back about what I paid for it in the first place. I've got my eyes on a couple of trucks that I think would work great, extended cabs and what not, big enough that we can all climb in and go camping or to the drive-in this summer. How cool is that? Will you go truck shopping with me? I promise you'll get first drive privileges. And you'll be able to use it any time you like. Especially to move you out of where you're living now, into our new place. I know we don't have a new place yet, but we can find one pretty easy! We're a great team like that.

I'm sorry that I didn't realize earlier how much you mean to me, but I am no longer looking back. I am looking forward to a bright future with you, and I hope you are looking forward too, to a bright future as my family. I want us all to be such a happy family, and I know we can be. We are strong enough, our love is strong enough to make this happen. I also know that we will have lots of fun this summer, you and I, building our family and our lives. I will be done with school, I will get a great job, and together we will build an awesome life. I can see us now, sitting on our porch after kids are in bed, just holding hands, talking, watching the sun go down.

I so want a life with you, my lovely TAG. You mean the world to me, and I will fight through heaven and hell to have you by my side. There is nothing on this earth that will stop me from trying to get to you and make you mine again. I know what makes you happy, and I will do that. We will be a family. You will be my wife. I love you so.

I love you my TAG. Sleep well, wherever you may be. Know that I am watching over you as well as I can, that I am always here for you, all you need do is reach out, and I will be there. I love you and miss you more than I can adequately express.

Love, always and forever,
B

Crazy dream

My dearest TAG, my love,

I had the craziest dream last night. I dreamed you were trapped in a cage in a basement somewhere, and were screaming to be let out. You were there, all by yourself, and were screaming for me to come and save you, but I couldn't hear you. I could feel that you were in peril, but I didn't know where to go or how to get to you.

It was so frustrating to me, to know that you were unhappy, scared, afraid, and alone. I so wanted to run to your side, free you from the bondage you were in, and hold you until the fear in you subsided. I woke up sweating and shivering and clenching my fists.

I hope that this is not a metaphor for how you are feeling. Know this, my love. I will do everything within my power to save you, any time. I will hunt every corner of the earth to find you and free you from that which oppresses you. I will be your hero. I love you so much, my dear TAG. You are the light of my life and the love of my forever. I will destroy any and all who seek to harm you in any way.

I will rescue you. I will show you that our love is worth anything and everything. You don't have to hurt anymore, just come feel the joy that exists in my arms. I will hold you and kiss you and love you til the last breath is taken from out of my body.

I love you forever and always, my TAG.

B

Totally Tuesday

My dearest TAG, my love,

Today was definitely a weird day. Not much really happened, which didn't necessarily make it weird, but I felt like I was moving in slow motion all day long. My reactions weren't right. I don't know what it was, maybe I just need to sleep more. It's hard to do though, when your heart is somewhere far away, in the custody of another, and you hope with an unending hope that the person in charge of it realizes what precious cargo they are carrying, and takes good care of it.

German class today. I was supposed to teach you German, wasn't I? Another wasted opportunity, but still I feel deep down inside that I will have another opportunity. I know that we love each other, and that is enough. Our love will overcome any boundaries that the world or those who may oppose us may throw in our way. I know this. With all my heart I believe and hope and know that we will be together again.

I have gotten into the habit of kissing the picture of you I have put on my phone. It's a beautiful picture. You are so amazing and wonderful. I hope you know that this is not just pretty words, but the feelings of my heart. There is so much I want to say to you, I wish we could just meet somewhere quiet for an hour or two, talk this all out. I want to apologize, look into your eyes, and let you know how much I care, how much I love you. I want us to be a family. I don't just want us to be good buddies or lovers or boyfriend/girlfriend. I want us to be a family, because we will be the strongest family in the world.

Our love is so special. I wish I would have realized it earlier. I wish that I would have understood how special you really are. I wish that you would have called and talked to me one more time before taking the drastic measures that you did. I wish that I would have called and talked to you before you took those measures too. I so wish so many things, but I know that together we are awesome, and we will be awesome again soon. I love you so very much, my TAG, precious queen of my existence.

There is a word that Germans use for their sweethearts. The word is Schatz. It means treasure. But when it is used in that context it means a treasure that is worth more than anything else. The priceless treasure that one would never give away or give up. That's what you are to me. You are my Schatz, the treasure I would give all for, the one I will never give up. You are my world, my life, my love. I am so grateful that I got to meet you, that I got to love you, and I pray and beg and plead that I might be able to do that again. You mean so much to me. You are my world and my life. I love you more than anything else. You mean just as much to me as my kids. I want you to come help me build a family, and I want you and your kids and me and my kids to be that wonderful family.

I know that we can make some beautiful memories, my love. I know that there are still memories that we can make together, that there is a lifetime full of amazing things that together we can make happen. We have a love that will never die, and that love will carry us through. If you need, I am there at any instant. All you gotta do is say the word, and I am there. I will drive like a bat out of hell to get to you. I will come rescue you, I will be your hero.

I love you so very much, always and forever. There is no other woman for me, only you, my Schatz.

I love you, my TAG, with all of my heart, might, mind, and strength.

B