Thursday and Friday

My dearest TAG,



So I missed another day. It was just too difficult to get on here, way too many emotions running through me to let me sit down and actually type coherently. In any case, those emotions are still present, but I think I have good enough hold on myself to take care of business today.



You were right, when we spoke a few weeks ago, about everything being a constant reminder of the presence of the other. I get home, and the first thing I see is the Jack in the Box cup you left here the last time you came over. I guess that's more a testament to my horrible house keeping than anything. I actually busied myself cleaning my house, but I just couldn't throw that cup away. As if leaving it there was an invitation to you to come back. Ha! I'm weird I know. Then I go to take some ibuprofen for my neck, look at the bottle in the medicine cabinet, realize that it was part of a two pack that I had bought. Guess where the other bottle went? Oh yeah, to you. Yet another reminder. Just a minute ago I started cooking dinner, and a memory so poignant it was painful hit me like a sledge hammer.



Remember the first time I made you dinner? Do you remember what I made? I remember buying new dishes just for that. I wanted it to be extra special. I think that was another night that I may have done everything right. Just like it was supposed to be. But I was trying so hard to be suave and debonair. I failed almost immediately. Remember how the burner caught on fire and I thought it was just smoking? Yeah. I was real smooth, huh? Real lame, more likely. But I loved you then, even though I didn't realize it. Just like I love you now, only I realize it.



I woke up today in lots of pain. Physical pain from the accident, emotional pain from the memory of you. I do love you so. Everything around me is a memory of you, and instead of running from it, I choose to embrace it. I want to remember you. I want my life to be made of little pieces of you, until the day that my life can be your life too. I want us to make more memories together, maybe not necessarily of burning up the stove, but maybe. Just memories of us together.



I know I've hurt you. I know you doubt that things can change. But I refuse to listen to the voices of the haters, I refuse to doubt myself and your love any longer. I will stand up to those who oppose us, and we, together will be strong.



I hope that you do find what you are looking for, my TAG. I hope you are happy. I hope you always remember that I am always here for you. I hope that one day we can talk together, cuddle together, share our love together. What I wouldn't give for one more night in your arms, because I will make that life last a lifetime. I want to spend every waking minute with you. I want you to be mine, and I want to be yours.



Know always that you have my heart. You and you alone will own that piece of me for the rest of eternity. When you want the rest of me, you know where to find me. I will be here whenever you need me, you can call, and I will run to be by your side.



I love you forever and always. Regardless of what life may throw at us or what obstacles may present themselves, I am and always will be yours and yours alone. No one elses.



I love you, my TAG



B